


From the Start

by lovedream



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Crushes, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Rating May Change, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:07:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25721065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovedream/pseuds/lovedream
Summary: Mark may have been young, but he knew himself. He knew his feelings were deep, deeper than most people’s. He knew he liked boys. He knew that this desire he felt to be near Johnny meant something. Maybe it was a crush, or maybe it was deeper than that. But nothing could be done about it.So Mark wrote.
Relationships: Mark Lee/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 73
Kudos: 321





	1. can't stop, won't stop

Mark and Johnny weren’t particularly close at first. Johnny was older, already eighteen and an experienced trainee. He had his group of friends around his age, and he stuck with them. Why would he want to talk a dorky fourteen-year-old newbie kid who still signed his name with swirlies on the ends of the letters?

Still, when Mark wandered the halls of the company’s building with Donghyuck, Jaemin, and Jeno, he couldn’t help but hope he’d catch Johnny around a corner. Sometimes he did, but Johnny was never alone. He was always with his cool, older crowd – Hansol, Ten, Taeyong. They all hung off of every word Johnny said, too. Mark would stare as long as he could, stars in his eyes. The first year of his trainee life passed like that.

One day, after sweating in dance practice for four hours, Jaemin draped himself across Mark’s shoulders.

“So, who do you think is the most handsome among the older guys?”

“What?” Mark shrieked. He winced at his voice, still cracking every now and then.

“For me it’s gotta be Jaehyun. I think I’m in love, honestly. He’s perfect,” Jaemin sighed.

Jeno caught up with them after toweling off his sweat. He flicked Jaemin’s forehead. “You’re not _in love_ , Nana. You just have a crush.”

Jaemin stuck his tongue out at his friend. “What, I can’t be in _love_ unless he takes me on playdates like Doyoung did with you?”

“Shut up!”

Mark may have been a teenager, then just fifteen, but he knew himself. He knew his feelings were deep, deeper than most people’s. He knew he liked boys. He knew that this desire he felt to be near Johnny meant something. Maybe it was a crush, like what Jaemin felt for Jaehyun, a fleeting infatuation based on a few interactions, or maybe it was deeper than that. But nothing could be done about it.

So Mark wrote. He wrote anything, sometimes about his own experiences, sometimes just things he thought would sound good even if it had nothing to do with him. For months, and then years, in the stretches of time between his interactions with Johnny, Mark poured his feelings through his pen onto his page. It wasn’t long before his trainee friends, and then his company found out, saw his raw talent, and had him begin training as a lyricist who would one day contribute lyrics to the group he debuted in.

It was something that Mark was whisked in to, and when it happened, Mark decided; he would separate his personal writing from his professional. His professional writing became about confidence, about connection, about dreams. But his personal writing was mostly about longing. He wondered if that theme would ever change.

At some point in 2016, after Mark had debuted in three different units, Johnny got a girlfriend. It was very hush-hush, but all of the members knew, and so did some very close management personnel, because they knew it was safer to teach him how to have a secret relationship rather than completely forbid it. Mark had always known this would happen, but that didn’t stop it from hurting any less. Still, he put on a happy face.

“Hey, I heard about, you know…” Mark told Johnny one day when he saw him in the building. “Congrats, man. Happy for you.”

Johnny raised an eyebrow. “Thanks, Mark. I’m sure you’ll find someone awesome, too. You know, if you ever get time to breathe between all your schedules.”

Mark laughed his screechy laugh that always seemed to find a way out when he was around Johnny. “Yo, that’d be cool. Breathing and all.”

“Uh-huh, sure. See you around, Mark Lee.” Johnny waved at him as he headed off to wherever he was going. Mark gave himself exactly one minute to revel in the warm feeling that came from hearing his full name on Johnny’s tongue, and then got back to work.

At night, he lay in bed, waiting for sleep to take him so he wouldn’t have to think about Johnny, now twenty-one years old, who grew more and more handsome with each passing day, off with a woman. But sleep didn’t come easy. Johnny was no longer the only worry in Mark’s head, not by a long shot, but sometimes it was the one he fixated on during moments he felt particularly lost, wishing he had someone to hold him. Wishing it was Johnny. He would close his eyes and imagine Johnny’s tall frame towering over him, looking down into his eyes with an expression full of mirth, teasing him and praising him all in one breath. Telling him he was the most special boy in the world.

He turned on his music to turn down the sound of his thoughts. Frank Ocean played. Mark sunk into the music and let his thoughts wander. _My eyes don’t shed tears, but boy they bawl when I’m thinking ‘bout you. Do you think about me still, do you? Do you?_

Time went on. Johnny joined the 127 lineup. Mark was nervous about their new proximity, but something about their new situation brought Mark’s crush down from hero-worship closer to friendship. Johnny had bumped his shoulder against Mark’s and asked him for songwriting tips.

“How about it, _sunbae?_ ” he asked, smiling.

“Dude, don’t call me that. You’re way senior to me in terms of being in the company.”

Johnny had only shrugged. “Maybe. But you’re way senior to me in terms of being in a group. I have a lot to learn from you.” There was no malice, no bitterness behind the words. They were sincere. Johnny, twenty-two, had no qualms about asking eighteen-year-old Mark for songwriting tips. Maybe that was the moment that Mark started to let his guard down. Started to believe that maybe wouldn’t be stuck in some weird little-brother role his public persona had relegated him to.

“If that’s what you want. Yeah, I’d be happy to share what I know.”

“Thanks, Markie.”

“Markie?”

“Yup,” Johnny replied. He raised an eyebrow. “Do you not want me to call you that?”

“No,” Mark blurted. “No, that’s okay. I don’t mind.”

Johnny smiled, a faint thing, the corner of his mouth just turning up. “You’re cute.”

“Shut up, I’m not cute.”

“What’s wrong with cute? I like cute. And don’t tell your hyung to shut up,” Johnny said, wrestling Mark into a headlock.

“Okay, damn, I’m sorry. Let go of me!”

Laughing loudly, Johnny let go. He smoothed out Mark’s hair with a large, warm hand. Mark knew he was blushing, so he turned his head away to hide it.

Months passed, and Mark and Johnny grew inevitably closer. A lot of times they gravitated together because they just needed someone to speak English with, to watch Netflix without subtitles, or to talk about random American celebrity drama. Eventually, the friendship that grew between them was so easy and natural that Mark was almost able to forget his romantic longing. 

Almost. There were still times when Johnny would find Mark immediately after a shower, and Mark would stare at the water droplets sliding down his collarbones. There were times when Johnny would be physically affectionate, throwing an arm around Mark’s shoulders and pulling him in close. Once, when he was drunk, he planted a sloppy kiss on Mark’s cheek and then apologized by wiping the slobber off. They had shared a bed on more than one occasion, and Mark had held his breath as he watched Johnny doze off, feeling like one sound or sudden movement would make the moment dissipate like wisps of smoke into the air.

Then, in the beginning of 2018, Johnny broke up with his girlfriend. Truthfully, Mark had almost forgotten about her. He hadn’t heard anyone talk about her in months. That probably had something to do with the breakup. The only reason Mark found out was because he walked past Taeyong’s room one night and heard something that shocked him and rooted his feet to the spot.

Johnny was crying.

Not the kind of muted crying he had done once or twice on camera before. This was a horrible, heartbroken wailing.

“Johnny, sweetheart,” Ten’s voice said from beyond the door. “It’s okay, shh. It’ll be okay.”

“I’m so sorry, Johnny. I know you really loved her,” Taeyong said.

Johnny’s sobs grew muffled, and Mark realized that he was probably crying onto one of their shoulders. His heart clenched painfully. He knew that those two were his best friends in the world, but it still hurt. Mark found himself wishing that he was the one Johnny would turn to. _Why would he, though?_ Mark thought bitterly. He was still probably the same dorky kid in Johnny’s eyes – inexperienced and clueless in matters of the heart. If only he knew.

The longer he listened to Johnny sobbing and Taeyong and Ten comforting him, the more Mark hurt. Part of him wanted to barge in and stroke Johnny’s hair, tell him it would be okay. The other part of him hated being reminded of the fact that Johnny had had a girlfriend at all. That Mark was still drowning in unrequited affection. He knew he should go, but he couldn’t move.

“I thought she was it, you guys. I thought—I thought she was the _one_.”

“What changed your mind?” Ten’s voice was so gentle. Mark could imagine him patting Johnny’s back rhythmically as he spoke.

“A lot of things. Too many things. Things I should’ve seen a lot sooner.”

“Like?” Taeyong said.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Say it once. Get it all out. When you say it, you’ll realize the breakup had to happen. I know it’s harsh, and I know it’s hard, but there’s a reason she’s your ex now. You have to remember that,” Ten urged.

Mark heard Johnny take in a deep, shaky breath.

“She didn’t like me for me. Maybe in the beginning she did, but towards the end, she hated me for having to keep everything a secret. She’d get angry if I did something romantic for her. She’d say things like ‘what’s the point of all this, when we can never tell the world we’re together?’ She started expecting me to want to give up everything for her, everything I ever worked for. I tried so hard to help her understand that she was important, but you guys are, too. I couldn’t be selfish that way.”

“Oh, Johnny. You went through a lot.”

“I’ve been torturing myself the past few nights wondering if what I did was right or wrong. And I don’t know. I don’t.”

“Johnny,” Taeyong said. He sounded so kind. Mark wondered if he had ever spoken so kindly to Johnny, if he’d ever looked past his own problems far enough to really try to understand him. “I think there is no real right and wrong in this situation. There are just the choices you make, and the effects those choices have. You made a choice to protect us, all of us. And on the other hand, you lost a great love.”

“But you know what?” Ten interjected. “There’s one thing I do know. I know that she wasn’t the _one._ Because whoever is the one for you wouldn’t hold your heart hostage like that. Your greatest happiness is yet to come.”

At that point, Mark had heard all he could handle. He creeped away, chest so full of conflicting emotions he was sure it would burst.

But of course, his chest didn’t burst. The only way to work through his feelings was to write until his hand cramped. So that’s what he did.

In the days following, Mark didn’t hear or see Johnny much. He was clearly heartbroken and stayed in his room. Word traveled around the dorm fast, so, soon enough, Mark didn’t feel guilty for knowing what had happened, because everyone knew. Mark felt like he wanted to do something but wasn’t sure what that could be. He couldn’t cook like Jaehyun or Doyoung, and Johnny clearly hadn’t wanted his advice. All that was left was to go with his gut.

“Johnny?” Mark called after knocking on his door.

“Yeah? Come in.”

Mark entered Johnny’s room and had to work hard to control his expression. Johnny had never been a messy guy, but right then his room looked like a pigsty. Clothes were strewn everywhere, garbage had overfilled his trash can and piled up around the sides. Papers that looked like letters were ripped up into shreds all across his desk and his floor.

“Gross, I know.”

“Not worse than my room.”

Johnny rolled his eyes. “Yes it is. What’s up, Mark?”

Mark gingerly stepped over a pile of dirty socks. He sat on Johnny’s bed. “Let’s write a song.”

Johnny looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. “Seriously? You think that’s a good idea, with me like this?”

“Well,” Mark said, gulping down his nerves, “I always found I could write the best when I was hurting the most. It sucks, but heartbreak is kind of the most powerful ingredient for art.”

“Shit, Markie, who broke your heart? I’ll throttle ‘em.”

Mark pointedly avoided answering that. Was Johnny really that oblivious? Mark didn’t think he was particularly good at disguising his crush, if Yuta and Donghyuck’s taunts were anything to go by. He cleared his throat. “Doesn’t matter. C’mon, hyung, it’ll be fun. We don’t have to write about our real experiences, y’know? We can write as if we’re someone else. Just…use your imagination.”

“My imagination, huh? How about this: I’m imagining you’re letting me wallow in my self-pity, uninterrupted.”

“Nice try. C’mon.” Mark stood up and extended a hand. Johnny took it.

-

The song they wrote over the course of that week was nothing great. It wouldn’t make the cut for any albums. But it served its purpose – giving Johnny a creative outlet for his emotions. Where his feelings had previously been a complicated tangle of sadness, guilt, longing, and relief, writing everything out helped him gain clarity. As he watched Johnny scratch out lyrics over and over again, Mark realized that this breakup had to happen. It gave him no pleasure to see Johnny agonize, but he stayed by Johnny’s side through the process anyways.

After that, Johnny grew closer to Mark. He started inviting him to come along whenever he hung out with Yuta and Taeil, Ten and Taeyong. When he started practicing photography seriously, he took what seemed like hundreds of photos of Mark. It made Mark feel beautiful and wanted in a way he had never felt before.

At the same time, their group had slowly but surely been eroding the hierarchical age lines between them; instead only playing up the older/younger brother dynamic when the cameras craved it. But inside the dorm they respected each other’s wishes regardless of age. Honorifics became somewhat optional. The lines fell off, one by one, until Mark could say with conviction a truth that filled him with joy. He and Johnny were friends.

As 2018 drew to a close, nineteen-year-old Mark wondered if he could do this. If he could quell the romantic longing that he had felt for five years and just be satisfied with friendship. Although Johnny had broken up with his girlfriend, he continued to have an occasional date. No one who knew Johnny could deny him this – he was just too in love with the idea of getting to know people, asking them about their hobbies, their hopes and fears. To forbid him from dating would be to stifle his spirit.

One girl he even saw more than once, but it appeared to be a mutual understanding that it was strictly physical, as she was an idol, too. Eventually they had to call it quits when her manager started getting suspicious. At least, that’s what Johnny told Mark.

Then, in the beginning of 2019, something happened that totally upended Mark’s plans to keep his feelings towards Johnny platonic.

It was unexpected, a complete coincidence. One night after a concert during the Japan leg of their tour, Mark was too restless to go straight to sleep. He left the hotel. Initially he thought he would just walk around the vicinity and hit up a convenience store, but he was too scared that fans might find him. So instead he took the subway a few stops down and settled in a random coffee shop.

Bad choice. Coffee made him think of Johnny. Just the smell of it reminded him of all the mornings that Johnny would offer him a cup, no matter how many times Mark said no. It reminded him of times when they shared a hotel room and Mark would wake to the scent of Johnny brewing himself a cup, even though he hated the hotel coffee. He would sip it and make a sound of disgust as he settled on the balcony and took in the city beneath them. His voice would be rough from sleep, so impossibly attractive that it would send shivers down Mark’s spine each time without fail.

_“Morning, Markie. Sleep okay?”_

He sat on a stool behind a counter, facing out the window of the front of the shop and ordered hot chocolate and cookies. The quiet snowfall was peaceful to watch. People walked by with their umbrellas, wearing beautiful coats and boots. He was halfway through his drink when something across the street caught Mark’s eye. He squinted into the darkness as he saw two figures turn onto a side street. One of them was tall—as tall as Johnny. Mark wrapped up his cookies and pocketed them, then walked out of the stop and looked the way the two had gone.

He heard them before he saw them.

“You kiss good, American boy.” Mark understood just enough Japanese to decipher that.

“Thanks. Wanna do it again?”

Marks heart dropped into his stomach. His feet froze to the ground. Because that voice belonged to someone he knew. That was Johnny’s voice.

He stumbled forward a few more steps and saw them half-illuminated by a short streetlamp. Johnny, leaning over someone a few inches shorter than him, kissing him urgently. Like he was running out of time.

“Let’s go back to my place,” the shorter man urged, tugging at Johnny’s shirt.

“No.”

“You wanna do it here? You’re crazy, but I’m into that.”

“No, what? I don’t want to do that.”

Mark had half a mind to ask Johnny how his Japanese had gotten so good, then remembered he was not supposed to be seeing this. Oh, and that his heart was breaking.

He made a loud choked sound, like an idiot. There was a beat of silence, and then Mark heard Johnny tell the other guy goodnight. A few seconds later, Johnny stood in front of Mark with an unreadable expression on his face.

“What are you doing out here alone? Did someone send you to follow me? Was it Doyoung?”

Reeling from what he saw, Mark shook his head wordlessly.

“Are you alright?” Concern laced Johnny’s tone. Mark only shrugged in response. His hands were still in his pockets. He tried to relax his grip so he wouldn’t crumble his cookies.

Johnny sighed. “C’mon, let’s get you back to the hotel.”

The next thing Mark knew, they were on the subway. It was almost entirely empty. He couldn’t even remember how they’d got there. If Johnny hadn’t gotten him on, Mark probably would have stood on that side street all night, letting the snow pile up on his shoes.

“Mark, are you alright man? You haven’t said a word in thirty minutes. You’re scaring me.”

“I didn’t know you were into guys,” Mark whispered. He felt Johnny shrug next to him.

“Yeah, I am. Haven’t been with one since before Korea though. Too risky.”

“So…you like both?”

“More like I like _all_. But yeah, you could say that.”

“All this time we’ve known each other…I can’t believe I never knew.”

“I never told you. I didn’t try to hide it either, really, but it seriously just never came up.”

Mark nodded weakly. He slumped against his seat until their stop arrived and they got off. It was still a fifteen-minute walk to their hotel. For some reason, Mark felt like he literally couldn’t take a step forward. Like his feet weren’t working.

Johnny paused when he noticed Mark wasn’t moving anymore. He turned back.

“Mark? C’mon man, we gotta get back.”

Around them, their little pocket of space was quiet. The subway had left the station and in the absence of its hum there was only a silent tunnel. They were the only ones on the platform. Mark took a breath.

“I’m gay.”

Silence.

“I’ve never told anyone. Not one person. But I— but you—.” Mark gripped his hair in frustration. “I’ve never been afraid, Johnny. Not when I left home, not when I got the most ridiculous workload ever. The only thing I’ve ever been afraid of is the idea that I might end up alone because I’m famous and I’m gay and I’m in a group and I can’t- I can’t—”

  
Tears that Mark hadn’t realized he had begun to shed fell down his face, dripped off his chin, and splattered onto the tiles in between his shoes. He had never, ever cried in front of Johnny before. The weight of the moment pushed down on him and he hung his head.

“Mark,” Johnny said. Then Mark felt himself being gathered in Johnny’s arms, thick and strong and warm.

For once, Mark didn’t push away. He let himself be held and let out his loud, open-mouthed sobs into Johnny’s chest.

“You’ve had a lot on your mind,” Johnny whispered. “That fear of being alone…that’s a lot.”

“It’s one of those things that even I didn’t really understand ‘till I said it out loud.”

“I can’t believe I didn’t know you’re gay.”

“Never came up,” Mark said, an echo of what Johnny had said earlier on the subway.

Johnny chuckled softly into his hair. Mark cried harder. He melted under Johnny’s touch. His heart, so carefully guarded over the years, shattered to pieces in Johnny’s embrace. He wondered how Johnny knew not to move his arms from their position wrapped around Mark’s body; he didn’t rub Mark’s back, didn’t stroke his hair – he just held him. It could have been hours. Mark had no idea. Johnny just kept holding him.

When his tears had run dry, Johnny drew back and wiped his tear-stained cheeks with his thumbs. “You’re going to be okay, Markie.” Mark’s lips trembled again with the threat of a fresh wave of tears, but he could feel a headache coming on and held it in. “Oh, Mark. Poor thing. You can cry more if you need, you know.”

Mark shook his head. The sheer affection in Johnny’s voice was making Mark lose his mind. How could he have ever thought he could suppress his romantic feelings for this man? And how would he go on from this moment, pretending he hadn’t held a candle for him for six years now? “Maybe back in the hotel. Not now.”

“Okay. Let’s go,” Johnny said, and he wrapped an arm around Mark’s shoulders. Together, they walked back to the hotel. When they got there, Johnny asked the manager that was rooming with Mark to switch with him and go share with Jungwoo. The manager looked at Mark’s face, still streaked with tear tracks, and agreed.

“Markie, Mark Lee. Let it out. I’m here for you. We all are, but I’m here right now.”

“S-stop, please. When you talk like that it makes me wanna cry more.” Mark stood at the edge of the bed and buried his face in his hands.

Johnny gripped Mark’s wrists and gently moved his hands away. He handed him a water bottle and made him drink some. Mark’s oncoming headache almost immediately subsided.

“When I talk with sympathy and understanding? Sorry, Markie, but love and care is all you’re getting from me tonight.”

“Seriously? You’re not going to make fun of me at all? Who are you?”

Johnny chuckled. He sat on the edge of the bed and took Mark’s hands in his own. He swung them back and forth. “I’m your friend.”

Mark supposed that would have to be enough for now. Finding out each other’s sexualities _and_ dealing with Mark’s confession of feelings might be too much to handle in one night. For now, Mark had this. And just in case tonight was all he had, he intended to make good use. He sat next to Johnny and leaned into his side. Johnny wrapped an arm around Mark’s shoulders, a heavy, reassuring weight. They just talked. Maybe Mark shed a few more tears when they got to the topic of Mark feeling ashamed and sad that he’d never been in a relationship, never even been on a real date. It was hard to say. That night felt unreal. All Mark could remember was feeling warm, safe and protected. Then, the next thing he knew, Mark was waking up the following morning to the smell of coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, multi-chapter JohnMark fic! Please let me know if you liked it by leaving comments. It's hard to find motivation to write without positive feedback. In fact, it's the lovely comments from my last fic that gave me the inspiration to write this one. (As well as Johnmark's many cute moments lol).
> 
> -sof


	2. the roses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place roughly during the summer and fall of 2019. The Spain trip is from when 127 attended the MTV EMA.

After that night, Johnny and Mark grew even closer. It was, of course, wonderful. Something had changed in Mark; whatever mechanisms he had been using to guard his emotions around Johnny disintegrated. Now, he laughed unabashedly at everything Johnny said. He looked at him with stars in his eyes. He slowly allowed more physical contact both on and off camera. In other words, he wasn’t afraid of his feelings anymore.

There were moments, still, where Mark would feel a twinge of sadness. If Johnny fell asleep in his room, Mark might gaze at his features, committing each perfect shape of his eyes, nose, lips to memory. He would marvel at the shadows of stubble, or the darkness under Johnny’s eyes. Those were the things that made Johnny so much realer to Mark. Those were the things that made him want to kiss Johnny.

As they spent more time together off-screen, the amount of time they spent together on camera increased, too. V-lives, Youtube videos, the works. Whenever a bandmate or a staff member asked him why Mark seemed to like being with Johnny most, Mark would shrug and tell them “He’s a funny guy.” What he wouldn’t say out loud were the other reasons: _He makes me laugh more than anyone. I can be my whole self with him, in any language, with all parts of my personality and not just bits and pieces. He’s the boy I think of when I listen to Forrest Gump. Oh, and I could look at him all day long._

When they filmed while making the passport holders for each other, Mark had maintained a steady undercurrent of embarrassment throughout the whole ordeal. It seemed like a cruel joke that his crush would have the idea to etch their initials with hearts into the leather. But it also gave him a hope that he tried desperately not to feel. In the quiet moments between filming, Mark had put his all into threading the seams. It was frustrating work. His fingers weren’t used to the minute, delicate movements of creating tiny stitches, nor did he expect that pushing the needle through the leather would be so hard. But when he imagined the end product wearing with time in Johnny’s hands, he pushed through. When they finally finished, Mark secretly hoped Johnny really _would_ use the passport holder that Mark made for him forever. Mark knew he would be using the one Johnny made for him.

Then there was the flying yoga. If Mark had to pinpoint a moment in the history of his crush on Johnny where he began to take steps towards making his feelings known, it would be that day. _Our outfits are couple-y looking_ , he’d blurted, physically unable to stop himself. For every move the instructor guided them through, Mark giggled, moaned, joked, did anything to draw Johnny’s attention to him. _I’m like Spiderman_. Johnny had humored him, laughing along or humming in agreement every time Mark complained of pain or difficulty.

After that day, Johnny would bring his yoga mat to Mark’s room and just start doing moves. A lot of times he was shirtless. Occasionally, Mark would join him. Other times he would just practice guitar and watch. When his mind could only focus on Johnny’s body and how it moved so gracefully despite its size, Mark’s muscle memory would take over and his fingers would strum the same Frank Ocean song. _You run my mind, boy. Runnin’ on my mind, boy._

One afternoon, after Johnny had rolled up his yoga mat and put his shirt back on, he lounged in Mark's bed. They listened to music and scrolled on their phones, not doing much.

"You know," Johnny said, "I lied about not seeing any guys since I came to Korea. I actually have."

Mark could feel his eyes go wide. He tried to contain it, but he knew his face was red, too. "Uh, that's...uh. Cool?"

"I'm just telling you because I don't want you to feel like there's no way out for you. If you really wanted to, it's possible. It's hard, no doubt, but it can be done." Johnny turned onto his side to face Mark. He propped up his head on his hand and studied Mark's face.

"H-how exactly?"

"Well, normally I'd say apps. But in our case, we can't really do that. And anyways, those are toxic as hell. I wouldn't want the winner of SM Entertainment's coveted "purest idol" award on there." 

"Shut up, please. God that was so fucking embarrassing."

Johnny laughed, and laughed, and then Mark was laughing too, even if his face was burning. 

"If you wanted to date guys, you would probably just have to go through trusted avenues. So, me, and then, if you're willing to come out to other people, some of my...acquaintances."

"I'm not," Mark blurted. "I don't want to do that. Not yet."

"Okay. Hey, that's fine," Johnny murmured, patting his arm. Mark must have looked more freaked out than he realized. "That's completely fine. So, do you want me to ask around? It would be a blind date kind of situation. I know it's not ideal, but unless you're willing to go to a gay club, it's your best shot."

"I, uh." Mark looked away. This was a lot of information. Too many possibilities, once all unknown, suddenly open to him. It was scary. It made Mark feel anxious. 

"You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with, Mark. I just wanted to let you know."

"Why?"

"Because despite what the company expects from you, you deserve to have a love life like any normal twenty-year-old."

"But I probably wouldn't even be any good at dating. Not like you. You're so..."

Johnny smirked. "Hmm?"

Mark gestured vaguely at him. "You know. Charming. Sincere. You can look into someone's eyes without giggling."

"And you're adorable, funny, a general joy to be around. Possibly the most talented person alive. We all have our own strengths. C'mon, Mark Lee, the guys would be all over you. Just look at the guys in our group. Damn. Honestly feel like they're all a little gay sometimes," he muttered.

"Haha, okay, okay," Mark said. "I get it. But uh, thanks for the offer. I'll pass for now. The idea of a blind date kind of makes me feel queasy. Need some time to think about it." 

"Yeah, of course," Johnny said in a gentle tone.

The truth was, Mark would never come around to the idea of a blind date. There was only one person he wanted to go out with. And that person was laying right next to him, just out of reach.

-

Weeks passed, and Mark noticed that Johnny really was using the passport holder that Mark made for him. He took it with them to Spain. Mark commented on it when he sat next to Johnny on the plane.

“You’re really using it.”

“Of course I am. I love it.”

“You do?”

Johnny smiled at him in an exasperated way. “Yes, Mark Lee, I love the special, handcrafted, one of a kind gift you gave me. Is that so crazy?”

“No. It’s good. I’m glad.”

“I’m glad you’re glad.”

Mark giggled. He stared at Johnny a moment longer, and Johnny met his gaze. Something about that moment was so peaceful. Mark could have stayed like that, just staring into Johnny’s eyes, forever. Their peace was only disrupted when Jaehyun, trying to reach something in his overhead bag, spilled its entire contents. Johnny, so kind in nature, laughed and then got up to help him put everything back. Mark kept staring.

-

Spain was too beautiful, different from anything Mark had ever known. When the day faded, he watched from the hotel balcony.

“I don’t wanna leave,” he murmured.

Johnny came up behind him and rested his chin on top of Mark’s head. “I know what you mean.”

“Just once, I wanna decide how long I can stay in a place.”

“I know.”

At some point, Johnny’s arms had wrapped around Mark’s waist. Mark playfully wrestled against it for a few seconds until he got what he wanted – Johnny’s muscular arms tightening around him, squeezing him until he stilled obediently. The night air was quickly growing cold, so Mark leaned back into Johnny’s warmth.

They were silent for a long time after that. They watched the sun set over the cobblestone streets. Birds flew between different sidewalk cafes, eating crumbs off the pavement. A horse-drawn carriage let off its final passenger of the day and rode away. The sky took on purple and orange hues for a few golden moments before turning dark blue. Then the streetlamps turned on, spilling buttery yellow light on the streets.

“Don’t want to go to sleep,” he said quietly. “Don’t want to wake up tomorrow and have to leave this place. Not yet.”

“Mm.”

“Hey,” Mark said. He looked up at the sky, now inky. There was a smile on his face. “If you could pick one place in the world to live, where would it be?”

Johnny was silent for a long time. Eventually, Mark twisted in his hold to look up at him. He saw Johnny staring straight ahead, wearing an unreadable expression.

“Johnny? You okay?”

Johnny finally looked down at him, his arms still snug around Mark’s body. “I think,” he said in a careful, guarded tone, “for me, it’s not so much the location as it is the person I’m with.”

“Oh,” Mark breathed. His heart was suddenly pounding. He wondered if Johnny could feel it from where his chest was pressed against Mark’s back. “I, uh. I hear that.”

The barest hint of a smirk drew the corner of Johnny’s mouth upward. “Here’s pretty good, though. And Seoul, definitely Seoul.”

Mark gulped audibly. “Yeah.”

After a few more minutes, Johnny pulled away. He started getting ready for bed. Mark stayed out on the balcony for a few more minutes waiting for his heart rate to return to normal. Finally, he made his way back into the room and into his bed. Johnny was already under the covers on the other bed, but he watched Mark with piercing eyes as Mark settled under the blankets. They looked at each other in the darkness illuminated only by streetlights filtering in through the window. Before long, Mark grew drowsy and started to nod off.

“Hey Mark?”

“Hm?”

_“Go on a date with me tomorrow,”_ Johnny said in Korean.

If Mark were more awake, his brain might have started racing a hundred miles an hour with thoughts and questions. He might have contemplated why the word _date_ felt less official when it was said in Korean rather than English, and then wondered why Johnny had made that choice. But he was nearly asleep, and so he gave his simple response.

“‘Kay.”

-

A gentle shaking woke him. He opened his eyes and saw Johnny sitting on the side of his bed, dressed impeccably.

“‘Morning, sunshine. Our flight’s not until two this afternoon. If we’re back here by eleven, we won’t get in trouble.”

“Hold up, what’s going on?” Mark asked, his voice raspy from sleep.

“ _You said you’d go on a date with me,”_ Johnny said, switching to Korean again.

“What?!” Mark screeched.

Johnny laughed. “No time to explain, just get ready. It’s six in the morning right now. We need to be back in five hours. Go, go!”

Mark groaned and hauled himself out of bed. He washed his face, brushed his teeth, and threw on the clothes Johnny had laid out for him on the bathroom counter. Then they were off.

Not many people were out at six-thirty in the morning. The sun was rising, but it was still hidden behind the stone buildings. Only a hint of light doused the empty streets. Each click of Johnny’s heeled boots resounded in the surrounding stillness. Occasionally, Johnny took photos with his film camera.

“Let me take one of you,” Mark said.

Johnny raised an eyebrow. “Okay. Be careful with her.”

“It’s a her?” Mark took the camera and directed Johnny to stand in the middle of the cobblestone street. The sun was rising behind Mark’s back, so there was a naturally warm hue to the scene. The faint sunlight made Johnny’s eyes glow like pools of warm honey. He was heartrendingly handsome.

“Yup. I call her Fifi.”

“Because she’s a film camera?”

“You get it!” Johnny exclaimed. Laughter lit up his features. He ran a hand through his black hair, and Mark captured the moment in a photo.

After fifteen more minutes of walking, they arrived at the Metropol Parasol. Mark had never seen anything quite like it in his life. It was a huge wooden structure with crisscross beams along the entire underside. The shape was hard to describe, but it almost looked like six giant mushrooms connected by their caps. While marveling, they climbed the stairs it to its highest point.

“Oh, damn,” Mark said. He looked out at a view of the whole city of Seville. The sky was still orange and pink in the distance, turning blue nearer them. A few cars started to hum as people began their day. The red roofs and white walls began to glow in the early morning sunlight.

“It’s beautiful,” Johnny said. “I can see why you didn’t want to leave.”

“Yeah. Man, thanks for bringing me here. I would’ve never known about this.”

Johnny nodded as he continued to stare ahead. “Sometimes we have to stop and smell the roses, Mark Lee.”

“Wise words.”

“You know, I think if I was in college right now, I might want to study architecture.”

“Really? I would’ve thought it’d be film or something.”

Johnny shrugged. “I like photography and all, and it’s a great creative outlet that fits within the life we live. But when we travel…” he ran his hand over the railing. “and I see things like this, like The Vessel in New York, some of the incredible stadiums we’ve performed in. I’m more than awed; I’m inspired. I’m intrigued. Curious.”

Mark regarded Johnny for a moment. This was something they hadn’t talked about much before. Living the life they lived meant focusing on the here and now, not the what-could-have-been. It was a dangerous train of thought to go down if left unchecked. But their relationship was strong now. If they couldn’t talk about their dreams, realistic or otherwise, with each other, who could they talk about them with?

“You’d be great at it.”

“You think?”

“Yeah. You were actually good at math in school. Like, you took calculus and statistics and shit. And you like building things and fixing things. Plus you’re sexy. Don’t know why but that last one feels like a definite requirement for an architect.”

Johnny burst into laughter. “I’m sexy? Gee, thanks Mark.”

“What? You are. Don’t pretend you don’t know it.”

Johnny kept laughing. “No, you’re right, I do know. But it’s something else to hear it from you.”

Mark shrugged. “‘S the truth.”

An image came to him unbidden. Johnny in his future home, spacious and full of light from the floor to ceiling windows, sketching a futuristic museum at his desk. He was older. His hair was streaked with gray. After the finishing touches, he set down his pencil and headed up to his bedroom, where Mark was on the bed, hair mussed from a nap. Johnny bent over him, leaned in, and…

“Mark? You zoned out. Still sleepy?”

“Huh?”

“Did you hear anything I just said?”

“No, I’m sorry. What were you saying?”

Johnny gave him a worried look. “Okay, I think we’re done here.” He checked his watch. “Great, shops should be opening right about now. C’mon, let’s go have a Spanish breakfast.”

-

They found city bike rentals to go to the café Johnny had chosen. It had been a while since Mark rode a bike, and he was off to a rough start. Johnny was patient.

“This is embarrassing. I thought riding a bike was something you never forget.”

“It’s fine, Mark, really. You’ll get it. We’re not in a rush.”

Mark let out a breath. He tried again. It worked – something awakened his muscle memory. He pressed down on the pedals, one after the other, and after making sure he was off to a good start, Johnny followed suit.

The morning sun had finally risen above the tops of the buildings and its light filtered down into the streets. Suddenly, everything was illuminated. A woman’s earrings shimmered, puddles of water glittered, and shop windows glared. Mark breathed it all in.

“Turn left up there,” Johnny called from behind.

Mark was always an upbeat, go-with-the-flow kind of person, but in that moment he felt happier than he had in a long, long time. He supposed it had something to with Johnny’s spontaneity. Under normal circumstances, Johnny’s spur-of the-moment plans could make Mark feel anxious. But as he inhaled the scent of orange blossoms, morning coffee roasting in shops, and the freshest air he had breathed in years, how could Mark be anything but joyous?

They stopped at a corner rental rack and returned their bikes. Mark followed Johnny’s lead for another short walk, and then they reached the breakfast café.

Mark, accustomed to his English serving his communication needs everywhere he had traveled thus far, began to greet the old man at the counter and attempt some small talk. When all he got in return was a thick, white eyebrow raising, Mark remembered he didn’t know Spanish.

“ _Buenos días señor,_ ” Johnny interjected. He rattled off a simple order entirely in Spanish, stumbling over his words a few times, but the old man seemed to understand him nonetheless. He rattled off a total, and Johnny handed him a few Euros. Then the man gave Johnny his change and gestured towards the tables, indicating that they could sit anywhere that was free.

They chose the outdoor seating area. It was risky, but there still weren’t many people out. Each table had a small vase of flowers that gave off a powerful, sweet scent. Around them were more potted flowers and herbs; hibiscus, bougainvillea, sunflowers, basil, thyme, and others that Mark didn’t recognize. An old lady, presumably the old man’s partner, greeted them as she went around watering the plants.

“Yo, nice save. I didn’t realize you knew so much Spanish.”

Johnny shrugged. “I mostly forgot what I learned in high school, but I brushed up on the plane.”

Mark nodded. Silence fell between them as they waited for their food. Johnny was just…staring at him. Mark didn’t really know what to talk about. When Mark was a kid, he would often disrupt the quiet by muttering _awkward silence_ to no one in particular. Johnny had gotten annoyed with him once over it, telling him that not every silence needed to be filled.

Still, as Mark sat there, he felt increasingly nervous. He looked down, away from Johnny’s gaze. Something about the situation was so intimate. They were facing each other, instead of sitting side by side. And they were completely still. There was no need to get back to dancing, or writing, or singing. They could just _be._ And after years of running away from situations like these – situations that would make dealing with his crush on Johnny so much harder – Mark didn’t know how to deal with it. Especially since the two of them had recently revealed to one another that they both liked men, and Mark couldn’t help himself feeling the tiniest inkling of hope from that fact, no matter how he tried to quash it.

“Our food’s here!” Johnny said.

A teenage girl offloaded a tray with all their dishes. Iced coffee for Johnny, freshly squeezed orange juice for Mark. For both of them, toast with tomato, dried ham, and manchego cheese. And for something sweet to top it off, churros with a chocolate sauce.

Mark was grateful for the food; not just like, religiously, but also because it gave him something to do with his hands, something to look at that wasn’t Johnny’s perfect face. They dug in to the meal.

“Woah, this coffee is delicious,” Johnny said. His eyebrows shot up, crinkling his forehead.

“Yeah, this orange juice is seriously the best orange juice I’ve ever had, damn.”

“Let’s switch?”

They exchanged drinks and took a sip each. Mark didn’t care for coffee much, but he could tell why Johnny liked it. It was aromatic and potent without being too bitter. He reached to hand the coffee back to see that Johnny was still guzzling his orange juice.

“Hey!”

Johnny laughed and gave Mark back his drink. “Sorry, that was so good. I’m gonna order one for myself.”

“Fine, but I get half of it.”

“Sure.” He called over the waitress to order another glass of orange juice, and another few slices of the toast, because it was so damn good. He paid for it with a few more Euro bills.

“Yo, I have some cash too, let’s split.”

Johnny waved off the suggestion. “Just eat, Markie.”

“But you paid for the bikes, too. I feel bad.”

“ _Mark_ ,” Johnny said, switching to Korean, “ _let Hyung treat this time._ ”

Something about his tone made Mark blush. He murmured a quick _okay_ and continued to nibble at his food.

It really was delicious. The textures of the toast dish were layered and combined with each other so each bite was perfectly balanced: crunchy bread, creamy tomato sauce, tough dried ham, and chewy cheese. It was salty and savory and warm and filling. When Mark’s mouth got too much salt, he’d take a sip of the orange juice; its sharp tartness and sweetness clearing his palette. Then the churros – perfectly crispy on the outside while still warm and soft on the inside. It was doused in sugar, and the sweetness was offset by the slight bitterness of the viscous chocolate sauce.

“You have some chocolate on your chin,” Johnny said. Mark wiped his face, embarrassed. “No, you just made it worse,” Johnny said, now laughing.

“ _Hyung_ ,” Mark whined.

Johnny rolled his eyes and poured some water from his water bottle onto a napkin. He reached over the table and dabbed at Mark’s chin. The chocolate didn’t come off, so Johnny got up and walked over to Mark. He kneeled on the pavement in his expensive jeans, took Mark’s chin in his hand and swiped the napkin over his skin again and again. Mark resisted the urge to close his eyes.

“There, all done.”

Mark met Johnny’s gaze. What a mistake. He was eye level with Mark, and his brown eyes were so beautiful. Was this whole thing a dream? Were they really in Spain, out without managers, breaking all the rules and having the time of their lives together? Mark was lost in the moment. He fixed his eyes on Johnny’s lips and leaned forward. For one perfect moment, it seemed like Johnny was leaning in, too. Just before Mark could feel that perfect cupid’s bow mouth on his own, Johnny jerked back like he’d been stung.

“Holy shit, Mark. We’re in public.”

“I’m— I’m sorry, I don’t know…I shouldn’t have.”

Johnny regarded him for a long moment. _Please spare me the lecture, please_ , Mark thought to himself. Then Johnny cleared his throat. “I’m going to go to the bathroom. Make sure you didn’t get any chocolate on my face. Be right back.”

Mark let out a sigh of relief as Johnny walked off. He hit himself lightly on his head a few times. “Stupid, stupid…” Part of him felt hope, because Johnny hadn’t rejected his advance; he was just shocked and worried. That was normal. But another part of him felt let down, because he wanted that to be _it_ – the moment they finally kissed for real. The moment that Mark could finally, _finally_ let go of this huge _thing_ he had been holding inside him for years. In his most exhausted moments, Mark had considered just telling Johnny. Just telling him and hearing the rejection and dealing with the fallout by himself. But moments like this, like the last night on the balcony, and so many others, made Mark feel like if he just waited a little longer, something amazing would happen.

Mark sighed and finished the last few bites of his churro. He glanced across the table and saw Johnny’s empty glass of coffee. Suddenly, he had an idea. He rushed to the counter with the coffee glass in hand. He gestured to it and took some Euro bills out of his wallet. He hoped the man understood. “Coffee beans,” Mark pleaded. He made a tiny circle with his thumb and index finger. “Do you have them?”

The old man called something out towards the kitchen, and the old lady’s voice yelled in response. Mark rocked back and forth on his feet, glancing at the restroom and hoping Johnny wouldn’t come back out yet.

A minute later, the old lady came out with an opaque container. She opened it and showed Mark the contents: rich brown coffee beans. Mark smiled and nodded enthusiastically. “How much?” he asked. The old man punched a number into his four-function calculator and showed it to Mark. He hoped it wasn’t a ridiculous price, because between all the different currencies Mark had dealt with, he had no idea how much a can of coffee beans should cost in Euros. He handed over the bills and thanked them in Spanish, then went back to the table and stuffed the container in his Jansport backpack.

Just as he was shouldering his backpack and downing the last sip of orange juice, Johnny returned. He seemed to be back to normal. Mark was kind of disappointed, because part of him wanted to talk about it, but mostly he was relieved. Now was not the time. They thanked the elderly couple and headed out toward their next destination.

“Where are we going?” Mark asked.

“Wait for like five minutes and you’ll find out.”

Mark giggled his signature _everything-Johnny-hyung-says-is-hilarious_ giggle.

They turned a corner into a park filled with thick trees. It stretched out to either side, and Mark was tempted to sit on a bench and watch the squirrels and birds flit around. However, Johnny marched them steadfastly forward. Soon enough, they exited through the other end of the park. As soon as the trees were behind them, Mark gasped. An enormous space opened before him; a colossal semicircle ringed by an ornate building, two wide concentric cobblestone paths divided by a moat with bridges spanning it at regular intervals, and an elegant fountain in the center. The fountain’s mist created a faint rainbow in the sunlight.

“It’s called the Plaza de España,” Johnny said.

“Spain Square?”

“You’re learning fast.”

They meandered into the plaza, looking around in wonderment. There still weren’t too many people out. The sound of Johnny’s shoes clacking against the cobblestone resounded, an echo in Mark’s head that tuned out everything else. Johnny had a hand on his camera, like he wanted to take photos, but wanted to let his eyes feast first. His eyes roved slowly over their surroundings. Mark thought he probably should have done the same, taken in the details of the architecture and the design of the space, but all he could look at was Johnny. The wind fluttered through his hair; the black strands, not gelled, gently danced, tickling his jawline. The bridge of his nose stood tall in relief from his face; Mark wished to trace it with his finger. Johnny’s lips were turned up in a smile, and when he looked up, the sun shone on his tan skin. Without makeup on, every ridge of texture, every hint of stubble, every shade of color was visible. He was stunning, glorious. 

And Mark was in love.

“Hyung,” he whispered.

“Hm?”

“I—nothing. You look handsome.”

Johnny smiled without turning to him. They walked until they reached the curved colonnade that ringed the plaza. The colonnade was enclosed by a short stone wall; low enough that one could sit on it. Mark hopped up to sit on the wall and leaned against a pillar, looking out at the plaza. A dad chased his young daughter around as she ran at top speed. Two women sat by the fountain drinking their iced coffees. For the briefest moment, Mark felt like he and Johnny were just two people out exploring the city, the world, existing only for themselves and fulfilling all their own desires.

Mark heard the click of Johnny’s camera. He turned to him slowly, a lazy smile on his features.

“You seem relaxed,” Johnny noted. He leaned in close, whispered in Mark’s ear. “Enjoying the scent of the roses?”

Mark squirmed as Johnny’s breath tickled his neck. “I’m just really happy to be here. With you.”

“I’m happy, too.”

Then Johnny did something that took Mark by surprise. He took Mark’s hand in his own; then, so fast that Mark might have missed it, Johnny kissed Mark’s palm. Mark’s skin burned where Johnny’s lips touched it. He flinched reflexively, but Johnny tightened his grip slightly, not letting go of Mark's hand. Johnny looked up, hair falling into his eyes. He met Mark’s gaze and held it.

There seemed to be whole novels of expression in Johnny’s eyes. _Is that okay, is it enough for now_ they seemed to ask. _I understand you have deep feelings; I do too. For now, this is how I can express that_ is what Mark hoped they said. Mark may have been growing more comfortable with physical affection, but this felt like a whole other level of intimacy. It felt like he was standing at the edge of the cliff. Like if he moved one inch from where he was, from where _they_ were, he’d fall so irrevocably far down. It was frustrating. Infuriating. It left him feeling unsure. But also—

Johnny carded a hand through Mark’s hair, then stroked across his cheekbone with the back of his fingertips. “You look beautiful,” he said.

—it thrilled him to no end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case you were wondering, yes mark lee really did win the award for purest person at an sm event thing lol. 
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter! it is a slow burn fic, but i hope it's not dull. hopefully the buildup will all be worth it! 
> 
> if you enjoyed, please do leave a comment. they sustain me. i honestly can't tell you how happy the comments on the previous chapter made me!! talk about a serotonin boost. whether a one word comment or a wonderfully thought out one that quotes specific parts of the text, they all bring me a lot of joy. so if this brought you joy, i would love it if you would leave a comment so i can feel that joy too :') ♥
> 
> stay safe and well everybody. ♥
> 
> -sof


	3. dream about me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark realized something: he didn’t want this unless he was honest with Johnny first. He wanted to tell Johnny everything. His crush of almost seven years. The dreams he’d have of Johnny at night. The daydreams he’d conjured up in his tired moments, imagining a life, a future of them together. He wanted too many things, and he wanted them all or nothing. And he needed to know what Johnny wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains a mention of Hansol (one word) and a conversation about Johnny's long training period.

Spain must have been a dream. That was the only explanation. A bit of magic, an unreality meant to be a beautiful memory to sustain Mark through the painful days that would come. Because when they returned to Korea, the spell was broken.

They disembarked from the van at the dorm, and with only a quick “bye, guys,” Johnny got off the elevator at the fifth floor, leaving Mark and his floormates to head up to the tenth. Mark watched Johnny’s back recede before the elevator doors closed. Just like that.

Days passed. Mark ate his meals, worked on his music, texted the Dreamies constantly, and wondered if the last few days had really happened. The ghost of Johnny’s embrace, warm and solid; the memory of his tender gaze that morning at the Plaza; the way he had caressed Mark’s hair – were those moments real? Or had Mark dreamed them up? There were times, even now, when Mark couldn’t believe this was his life – that he was really a famous K-pop idol, that he really left home as a child. Who was to say that Johnny wasn’t just a part of one big unreal flight of fancy?

It was certainly easier to think that way. Because if Mark accepted that that time was real, then he would have to face harder questions. Did those moments in Seville mean to Johnny what they meant to Mark? Did they embed themselves into the fabric of Johnny’s neurons, replaying constantly behind a rose hued filter? Or was Mark the only one who hung on to every bit of lingering happiness those moments had granted him?

-

“You okay, babe?”

Mark “mm”-ed from underneath Yuta’s covers to let him know he was alive.

“I haven’t seen you like this in…never, actually. Where’s my energetic ball of sunshine?” Yuta asked. He was sitting on the floor, back against the side of the bed, reading a book.

Unable to muster the energy to respond, Mark only snuggled down further into the blankets. Yuta’s bed was his favorite spot on the tenth floor lately. Yuta showered him with attention when he wanted and let him have space when he needed. Sometimes Mark just needed his loving presence.

“What’s wrong?”

“Johnny hasn’t talked to me since we got back from Spain.”

“And? That was like three days ago. Sounds nice if you ask me.”

“ _Hyung_ ,” Mark whined. He didn’t want Yuta to make him say it, especially since Yuta had always known. He had always teased Mark about his little crush in private. Even though Mark had never really "come out" to Yuta, Yuta had also never assumed his sexuality. That, and he was extremely perceptive. _Ooh, Markie likes Johnny? How cute~ I’m jealous_ , Yuta would say, tickling his fingers under Mark’s chin. When Mark and Johnny started spending more time together, Yuta had raised an eyebrow at Mark. _I’m impressed, you’re going after your man_ , he snickered. Mark had blushed bright red, and, landing a soft punch on Yuta’s arm, swore him to secrecy. _Like we’re middle schoolers? Fun. Of course, Markie, anything for you_.

“You know _you_ could talk to him,” Yuta said.

“I can’t. What would I say? _Hey Johnny, I kinda miss having your arms around me like that night in Spain on the balcony. Care to come cuddle me?_ ”

“Yes. Exactly that. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Please do not ask me things like that. You know me and my brain.”

Sighing, Yuta shut his book. Then he jumped onto the bed and draped himself over Mark.

“Get off, can’t breathe!” Mark squirmed and struggled.

Yuta laughed and squeezed Mark extra hard for good measure. Then he fell onto his side and pulled the covers down from Mark’s face. He poked Mark’s nose. “You worry so much, Mark. Always about what could go wrong. Have you ever tried to imagine a scenario where everything goes _right_? Where everything works out better than you could have ever dreamed?”

“I guess not.”

“Text him right now.”

“Don’t wanna.”

“Do it or I’ll do it for you,” Yuta said. He held up Mark’s phone, the KakaoTalk app open to his chat with Johnny.

Mark’s eyes widened. “How did you even get that? It was in the pocket in my shirt, underneath my hoodie.”

“Stop changing the subject.”

“Fine, give it to me.”

Yuta nodded in approval and passed off the phone. He propped his head up on a hand and watched Mark struggle to type out a message. Eventually, Mark settled on a simple _hey, what’s up? haha haven’t seen u in a few days. how’s vlog editing going?_

“There, I sent it.” Mark said, then faceplanted back into Yuta’s bed.

“Aww, Markie. You have no idea how adorable you are. I’m sure Johnny’s squealing over your text as we speak.”

“Well can he stop squealing and come fuck me?”

Yuta blinked. Mark stilled. Then he shot up in bed, spluttering with eyes wide, ready to vehemently deny what he had just said, but Yuta burst out into laughter.

“Oh my god, you finally said it.”

“Shut up. Please shut up.”

“Markie wants Johnny to _fuck_ him,” Yuta taunted in a singsong voice. He poked Mark all over his face and arms.

“Can you _please_ stop,” Mark hissed, always polite. “What if someone hears?”

“Then they’ll know to use earplugs next time Johnny’s in your room. I don’t see the problem here.”

Mark groaned and pulled his hood up over his head and tugged it down to cover his eyes. He did his best to tune out Yuta’s taunts, even as he smiled into the sheets, trying hard not to imagine Johnny’s arms circling around him, squeezing him, stroking him, making him feel better than he could have ever imagined.

“Look, he responded already,” Yuta said. Mark checked his phone. There was a message from Johnny.

_come over -Johnny_

“Use protection,” Yuta said, peering over Mark’s shoulder at his phone.

Mark shoved him playfully. “Stop reading my messages.”

“See? I told you everything would be fine.”

Mark took a second to process that. Yuta was right, it was long past time that Mark stopped imagining the things that could go wrong, and instead start to look forward to things going right. When he thought about it, Mark realized that things had been going well for a while now. He and Johnny had been opening to each other about their hopes, their regrets, their fears. They had gone on a date, though they hadn’t really talked about what that meant. They were physically affectionate with each other in a way that was comfortable for them and not forced. And ever since Johnny had found out that Mark was gay, he’d helped him out in ways Mark could have never imagined. “You’re right,” Mark said. “Things do go well sometimes. A lot of the time. Thanks, Yuta hyung. Really.”

Yuta ruffled Mark’s hair. “Anytime, cutie. And hey, if Johnny’s an idiot and rejects your sexual advances, I’m always willing to be the outlet for your horniness. No strings attached.”

Mark gagged and kicked a cackling Yuta off the bed. “Okayyy, and I’m leaving now.” He knew Yuta was just joking, but Mark still shuddered at the thought of hooking up with Yuta. Mark knew himself; he only wanted Johnny.

He left Yuta’s room and headed down to the fifth floor. He was let in by Donghyuck, who was dressed for a schedule with Dream.

“Can’t wait ‘til you’re back with us,” he said, checking his backpack and pockets to make sure he had everything he needed.

“Same. Good luck. Be careful,” Mark replied. He always worried about his best friend. He didn’t know how he was capable of working this hard.

Donghyuck rolled his eyes, but still went in for a brief hug. “Thanks Mark.”

Mark narrowed his eyes. “Mark what?”

“Mark Lee.”

“ _Haechan._ ”

“Mark _hyung_. Fine, you happy? God I swear you’re so infuriating, only ten months older than me and acting like you’re my actual older sibling. Bye,” he said, and headed out the door. Mark watched fondly as Donghyuck stormed out, then darted back in. “Forgot my phone,” he muttered. Once he left for good, Mark made his way to Johnny’s room.

“Knock knock,” he said aloud.

“Come in.”

Johnny was sitting at his desk, editing some video footage. He swiveled around when Mark closed the door behind him and settled on Johnny’s bed. He pulled the body pillow into his lap and hugged it, resting his chin on top. He had bought it for Johnny as a gift a while ago, trying to persuade him to use it to sleep because it helped him. Johnny never ended up using it that way, but he kept it on his bed anyways because Mark was here so frequently and he liked to hug it. “Hi,” Mark said softly.

“What’s up?” Johnny asked.

Mark shrugged. “Not much,” he said. Memories of Spain flashed through his mind. He gathered every ounce of courage he had. “Was missing you, that’s all.”

Johnny looked pleasantly surprised. “Aww, Markie, that’s so sweet.” That ever-present teasing lilt to his voice was thick.

“Shut up, hyung,” Mark said, without any bite.

“I’m sorry it’s been a few days since we talked.”

“It’s fine, really. I get it. We were all jetlagged as shit. You’ve been editing. It’s no problem.”

Johnny raised an eyebrow. He got up out of his chair and sat on Donghyuck’s bed, right across from Mark. Then he raised his leg and poked his toe against Mark’s shin. “We had a good time in Spain, didn’t we,” he asked. He was wearing grey sweats and a black tee. His hair was wet, like he’d just gotten out of the shower. It was unfair how good he looked. The conversation Mark had just had with Yuta rang in his head. _Markie wants Johnny to fuck him_ , Yuta had taunted.

Mark swallowed. “Yeah. A really good time.”

“So is it me you were missing, or was it Spain?”

Mark thought about it for a second. He remembered what Johnny had said on the balcony, his arms wrapped around Mark. _For me, it’s not so much the place as it is the person I’m with_. God, it had felt to have that physical contact, that closeness. Mark craved it now. He wanted to leap across the gap between the beds into Johnny’s chest and curl up there until they had to leave for the recording studio the next day. Wanted to kiss him. “You. Definitely you,” Mark whispered. His voice was hoarse with desire. He was sure his want was seeping out through his pores, visible for Johnny to see, clear as daylight.

Johnny smiled. “You really like me, don’tcha Mark?”

“And what about it?” Mark asked, swinging his head like the Ariana Grande gif. Johnny cackled and threw a pillow at him.

“Let’s go out,” Johnny said, eyes twinkling.

“What?” Mark screeched. Did he mean—

“Yeah, let’s go to the Han river. Have ramyun. It’s nice and cold. It’ll be perfect.”

“Oh,” Mark said. “Are you sure? We haven’t snuck out like that in a long time.”

“Yeah. I’m sure,” Johnny said. He held Mark’s gaze. His brown eyes were warm, illuminated by the lamplight.

“Okay,” Mark said. He would go anywhere Johnny asked.

-

They got their ramyun from the convenience store right by the river. A bunch of other people were there, too; a lot of people in their teens and twenties, mostly couples, but also some young families. By some miracle, no one recognized Johnny or Mark. With snacks and hot drinks purchased – honey ginger tea for Johnny and hot chocolate for Mark – they made their way to the pavement steps by the river.

“Shit, it’s cold,” Mark murmured. He slurped up his noodles and gulped down some broth. The hot, salty soup warmed his body from inside.

“Yeah man, it’s November in Seoul.”

Mark snickered and sipped his hot chocolate. He gazed at Johnny. He had a scarf around his neck. Without thinking, Mark reached out to twirl the ends of the scarf in his fingers. The wool was soft against his palm. If Johnny noticed, he didn’t say anything. Didn’t even raise an eyebrow. When had they become _this_ comfortable with one another?

“When’s the last time we came out here?” Johnny asked, chewing a big bite of his spicy seafood ramyun. His cheeks puffed out slightly from the food inside his mouth. Mark found it adorable.

“Can’t remember. Maybe 2016? And I don’t think it was just the two of us,” Mark said. “We were with Ten and…”

“Hansol,” Johnny finished.

“Yeah…” Mark trailed off. He grew still and rested his hand on Johnny’s thigh. He looked at Johnny’s face and all he could think was _I’m so glad you stayed_.

“I thought about it, y’know,” Johnny murmured, as if reading Mark’s mind. “Leaving. I think everyone has, at some point. But every time I considered it, every time I was sure that that sixth, seventh year without a debut was going to be the last straw for me, something always…” Johnny trailed off and grew quiet. He set down his snacks and his drink. Then he slung an arm around Mark’s shoulders and pulled him in close.

“You were such a sweet kid, y’know?” Mark shuddered against the cold and leaned into Johnny’s side. “You looked at me in this adorable way. Like you thought I was the coolest guy in the world.”

_I did,_ Mark thought _. I still do_.

“The thing is, back then, I didn’t feel like the coolest guy. I felt like shit, actually.”

Mark’s heart broke, hearing those words. He had always wondered how Johnny had gotten through those years. He scooted closer so their thighs were pressed together. Hesitantly, he wrapped an arm around Johnny’s waist, and resumed playing with Johnny’s scarf with his other hand. It was dangerous. They could be recognized at any moment, and with their arms around each other, the sides of their bodies touching all the way down, someone might draw the wrong conclusion. But Mark wasn’t going to let go.

“I felt…worthless. Absolutely fucking _worthless_. SHINee debuted. Jaejoong and Junsu and Yoochun left and I swear the company almost dissolved.” Mark reeled. Johnny had been in the company _forever_. “I thought it was over. But F(x) debuted. Then…fuck, then EXO. Sehun. Shit, I thought that was it for me for sure. I was almost through with high school. I thought to myself ‘what am I doing? I should be getting ready to go to college. Get a science degree. Go to medical school. Be a good Asian-American son.’”

Mark shook his head into Johnny’s shoulder. He hated hearing this. Hated it. And yet he couldn’t help but feel like this was the most important moment in his and Johnny’s entire relationship so far. Johnny squeezed his arm tighter around Mark’s shoulders, pulling him closer still.

“And then, in 2013, you came along. You barely spoke Korean. You couldn’t read Hangul at all. You were so bright and full of energy and talent. I was…I was jaded, and I was kind of jealous of you. For being so happy.”

Mark’s heart pounded in a way it never had before. It wasn’t just skipping beats, it was palpitating. He felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“And I don’t know, Mark. There was just something about the way you _needed_ someone who understood you when you spoke in English about growing up in the places we did, the way we did. The holidays, the issues, growing up an _other_ , the way it was hard to adjust to a completely different culture, even if it was _our_ culture, and how disorienting that felt. I felt this…responsibility towards you. I had to look out for you, because I knew no one would understand your specific situation. I saw myself as the only person you weren’t _other_ to. I understood you, felt your exact pain when the other Rookies made fun of the fact that you were Korean but couldn’t read the language. Even though we barely hung out in those days. Mostly because I was an asshole and didn’t care to make an effort with you and the other young kids. I’m sorry.”

“You were never an asshole. I swear. You just had your own friends. The other older guys. But yeah, I looked up to you like crazy. You were already an idol in my eyes. That’s how highly I thought of you. It’s…” Mark’s voice grew impossibly quiet. He planted his chin on Johnny’s shoulder and spoke into his ear. “It’s how I still think of you, sometimes.”

Johnny chuckled into Mark’s hair. Fuck, that felt so good. All of this felt so good, despite some of the painful memories they were dredging up. Maybe memories were like that – they needed to be pulled out once in a while, polished off, and looked at. Otherwise they would fade, and that would be worse than the pain of remembering them.

“It felt good to be needed, even by one person. And after a few months of that, even though we hardly talked, I guess…I guess I didn’t feel worthless anymore. Of course, you weren’t the only reason. I had other people who helped me immensely. But at the same time, I really felt like I needed to become the guy you thought I was. Cool, confident, unbreakable. I had to show you that I could do anything, so that you knew that you could do anything. At least, that’s what I told myself.”

“I’m sorry,” Mark blurted.

“What in the world could you possibly be sorry for, Mark Lee?” Johnny asked incredulously. His voice had gone deep. It sent shivers down Mark’s spine when Johnny spoke, his plush lips brushing the edge of Mark’s earlobe.

“For making you feel like you couldn’t be vulnerable with me. Yes, you’re who I look up to, you always have been, and I think you always will be. But we…we’re friends now, right? You don’t have to be unbreakable. Fuck that shit. We all have times when we feel a little broken down, don’t we? So it’s okay. Because no matter what, I’m always going to have that inside of me—that little kid who looked up to you.”

Johnny grew very still. The cold night air grew warm in the little space between their faces. Around them, the chatter of other people grew quieter. The black river lapped at the shore, its gentle noises a peaceful balm to the edges of Mark’s frayed nerves, his shaking heart. Under that navy sky, Johnny took Mark’s hand in his own and intertwined their fingers together, resting their hands on Mark’s thigh. His thumb stroked Mark’s knuckles, back and forth, back and forth. “When did you grow up so much, Mark Lee?”

“Don’t know. I’m just glad you’re still here with me. Couldn’t have done any of this without you. I couldn’t have, Johnny hyung,” he insisted when Johnny scoffed in disbelief. “I needed you then and I still do.”

“I need you, too. I think I always have, in one way or another.”

-

Before they left, they shared a few beers. They didn’t say much else, but they stayed close to one another. Mark wished with all his heart that the night wouldn’t end.

But it did. Around midnight, they headed back to the dorm. Johnny rode the elevator up to the tenth floor with Mark. When they reached the door, Johnny took hold of Mark’s wrist.

“Hey,” Johnny said. Mark knew he wasn’t drunk, but he was probably the tiniest bit buzzed.

“Hey,” he giggled.

Johnny leaned in. Mark took a deep breath; Johnny was so close he could _smell_ him. The scent of his soap, his cologne, his sweat. It made Mark dizzy. _Kiss me_. _Ask me to kiss you. Something. Anything._

For a moment there was only stillness. Then, ever so gently, Johnny leaned down the rest of the way and pressed his lips against Mark’s forehead. Mark’s hands swung up and tangled in the fabric of Johnny’s sleeves. He clung with all his might to the moment, to Johnny. He couldn’t take it; he needed more. Needed to be sure.

But the moment was already over. Johnny pulled back and eased Mark’s hands down from his sleeves. “‘Night,” he whispered.

“Yeah,” Mark said, dazed. “I mean, good night.”

Johnny smiled that beautiful sideways smile of his and stepped back. Then he turned to get back on the elevator. Mark waved as the doors closed between them. He went inside to sleep, but sleep didn’t come easy.

-

In the days that followed, Mark’s KakaoTalk chat with Johnny saw unprecedented traffic. His phone was constantly buzzing with messages from their ongoing conversations. Sometimes they were about hobbies, sometimes about work, and sometimes they just checked in on one another. On the morning of their first work schedule in a few weeks, Mark smiled when he woke to a message from Johnny waiting for him.

_see you at the recording studio. bring your best rhymes -Johnny_

_haha, you know it -Mark_

Mark felt like a teenager when he smiled at his phone. He chided himself for getting excited over nothing, but he couldn’t help the warmth that pooled in his belly when he imagined Johnny, five floors above him, clad in nothing but grey sweatpants hanging dangerously low on his waist, smiling at his own phone as he texted Mark.

Hours later, when they had all returned from their long day and Mark was about to drift off to sleep, he opened their chat again.

_yo, you okay after that dance rehearsal? you fell kinda weird. -Mark_

_s’okay. my fat ass cushioned the fall. -Johnny_

_those squats payin off huh? -Mark_

_bigtime. i can shit in a squat toilet without my legs getting tired now. -Johnny_

_HAHAHAHA. damn I gotta join you in the gym sometimes then. -Mark_

_please do cutie -Johnny_

Mark grinned from ear to ear as the nickname sent fissions of heat through Mark’s entire body, down to his toes. He didn’t even have the energy to berate himself for getting excited over something so simple; he was too fucking joyful. Johnny had this magical power over him where he could make Mark laugh his ass off and blush up to the roots of his hair in one breath. These days, Mark was on cloud nine.

“Lee Mark!” a voice yelled as two people bounded into his room without knocking. Mark jumped, dropping his phone. He quickly picked it back up and closed the chat with Johnny, not wanting anyone to see it, as Jeno and Donghyuck strode into his space. Jeno climbed onto the bed and Donghyuck perched himself on Mark’s desk chair, draping one leg over the armchair in his typical bisexual fashion.

“Ooh, who were you texting?” Jeno asked as he latched onto Mark. His fingers dug into Mark’s sides, tickling him until he was gasping with laughter.

“No one. My mom. Stop it!” Jeno laughed at Mark’s protests and redoubled his efforts. He used all his strength to pin Mark’s arms down and continued his tickling assault. “Stop it, why are you doing this to me?!”

“He missed you, idiot,” Donghyuck said bluntly. “You haven’t come to see the Dreamies in weeks. When he asked about you today after we finished in the recording studio, I told him he should just come crash here.”

Mark’s eyes flew open; Jeno’s hands stilled and they both sat up. “Oh, shit. It’s been weeks?” Mark looked at Jeno, who avoided eye contact, yet still wore that sweet, subtle smile that never seemed to leave his face. For a frightening moment, Mark’s thoughts spiraled. He felt like a bad friend, a bad person who’d abandoned his group. Then, in the back of Mark’s mind, Johnny’s voice whispered: _Don’t overthink things, Mark Lee; it doesn’t go well when you think too much._ The voice—Johnny—was right. There was no need to overthink, to make huge sweeping generalizations about himself based on one act. One mistake didn’t determine his whole character.

“I’m sorry, Jeno,” Mark said. “I should have come sooner.”

Jeno shook his head. “We get it. You’re busy. We don’t hold it against you. Especially since you’re usually so good about keeping in touch with everyone. Just…just missed you a lot.” He spoke with understanding, but there was an undertone of sadness. “Honestly, I wasn’t even going to say anything, but Haechan can read me like a book.”

“Hey,” Mark said. He reached out and took Jeno’s hand, like he did when they had recorded Dear Dream. Jeno had clung to him by interlocking their fingers. Even if he didn’t say it, Mark knew Jeno had been nervous because he was going to take over as the unofficial team captain. But of course, he had done so well, and Mark was proud. “There’s no excuse for my not visiting. Busy or not, you’re important to me. Always worth the effort.” He turned to Donghyuck. “And I’m glad I have friends who’ll call me on my shit. I’ll do better. Promise.”

Donghyuck rolled his eyes, smiling exasperatedly, before doing a running leap onto the bed, landing on top of both their bodies in one giant heap. Mark and Jeno groaned from the impact, but it quickly dissolved into laughter.

“It’s not that deep, seagull eyebrows.” Jeno cackled as Donghyuck went on. “Like Jeno said, we get it. Although, yes, I will always call you on your shit.”

Mark laughed. He wrapped his arms around his friends. They fought against it, making fake retching noises and teasing him relentlessly for his rare initiation of physical affection, but eventually, they settled in next to him. Donghyuck played some music. Resting his head on Mark’s shoulder, Jeno scrolled through recent pictures of his cats, showing them off. Mark made sure to react to each one with enthusiasm. Eventually, Jeno and Donghyuck drifted off to sleep. Mark’s arms were numb underneath their bodies, but he didn’t dare move for fear of waking them. Eventually he drifted off to sleep too.

At night, he dreamt that Johnny visited his room, as if he wanted to talk to him about something important. He paused in the doorway. _Hey Mark, are you up?_ Johnny wandered in, close to the bed, where he saw the three of them sleeping together. He smiled to himself and murmured into the dark: _You’re such a good friend, Mark Lee. Just one of so many things I love about you. One of many reasons I fall for you more each day._

-

The next morning, Mark woke up alone and well rested. He vaguely remembered Jeno and Donghyuck telling him they had an early schedule today and smiled at the memory of the previous night. They hadn’t done something like that in a long time—just had a late-night heart-to-heart catch up session. He missed them already, but he would see them soon.

He was about to get up and brush his teeth when he remembered his dream. It slammed into him full force. The tenderness of Johnny’s voice, the fond look over his face as he gazed down at the three of them in Mark’s bed. The heartbreaking, earthshattering, beautiful words he had spoken: _I fall for you more each day_.

For a moment, Mark couldn’t move. _Why?_ he wanted to scream. _Why couldn’t that have been real? What do I have to do to make that dream a reality?_ Just then, his phone buzzed with a new message.

_hey markie, come over when ur free. got a new polaroid camera, wanna try it out and take some pics of u. -Johnny_

And just like that, Mark was grinning from ear to ear again. Maybe his dream was just that—a dream—but his reality wasn’t so bad either. In some ways, it was better. The last time Johnny had taken photos of him, Mark had felt a unique joy; it was one that he had never been able to put into words. He’d felt like a thing of beauty, like art. Delicate and powerful all at the same time. He was more than eager to experience that again. He bit his lip and typed out his response.

_damnnn, how many cameras is that now? -Mark_

_4!!!_ _😊 -Johnny_

_aww ur so happy. kk, i’ll be over soon. -Mark_

-

“Yas Mark, work!”

Mark laughed as he struck pose after pose. He put one foot in front of the other, extending his leg, and rested both hands on his waist, leaning forward just a bit. Then he did the splits and made sultry eyes at the camera. And so on and so forth. Using his phone, Johnny captured each ridiculous stance in his camera roll. They were goofing off, as usual. For a moment, Mark was struck by the pure joy of the moment. He realized that no matter what would happen from here on out, he never wanted this aspect of their relationship to change. If Mark ever summoned the courage to tell Johnny how he really felt, he’d include this in his confession: his desire to always be like this with Johnny, laughing, having fun, joking around.

“Okay, now for some artsy fartsy shots. Get on the bed.”

“ _What?!”_

Johnny rolled his eyes. “You heard me. I wanna experiment with close-up shots. Haven’t done a lot of those before.”

_Close-up. Bed._ _Oh god._ Mark gulped noisily. “Whatever you say, hyung. So um, just like this?” Mark asked, sitting gingerly on the very edge of Johnny’s bed.

“No. Come on, Markie, get comfortable. Lay back. Relax.”

Was Mark imagining things? Was that not what people said to someone they were about to fuck? When Mark looked at Johnny, he was shuffling something around on his desk, trying to look busy. But the line of his shoulders was tense.

“Hey,” Mark whispered. “I don’t really know what you want. Why don’t you just…arrange me how you want me?”

Johnny dropped whatever he was holding. “You sure about that?” he asked, his voice strained.

“I’m sure.”

Johnny slowly walked over to him. He gave Mark a long look. Time seemed to slow down, becoming syrupy in its stalled flow. It stretched between them, sticky, making it hard for Mark’s mouth to form words. He watched wordlessly as Johnny put a hand on his chest. “Lie down,” Johnny repeated, and then pushed Mark’s torso until he was flat on his back. Mark’s head hit the pillows and he stared up at Johnny, who maintained eye contact as he swung his knee around to straddle Mark’s thighs. _Oh my god_.

“Johnny hyung,” Mark breathed.

“Shh. Just keep looking at me like that,” Johnny said. He held up his polaroid camera. “You’ll be my first picture on this camera.”

_Fuck._ Mark couldn’t help the tiny sigh of pleasure that escaped his lips. Here he was, laying on Johnny’s bed, his legs trapped between Johnny’s knees, and Johnny was making him out to be his muse or something. His hands grew clammy. He twined his fingers in the sheets beneath him. They were luxuriously soft. Mark never wanted to leave this bed. He was certain his expression mirrored that desire.

“Perfect,” Johnny said, and the camera clicked. As the polaroid started to print, Johnny sat back on Mark’s thighs. Mark was pinned down. He found he didn’t mind.

“Is it okay?” he asked when the small photo finally printed.

“It’s not ready yet,” Johnny said. He shook picture. Slowly, it came into being.

“Oh,” they said in unison. Mark looked incredible. He had never liked a photo of himself so much as he liked this one. He was in his normal clothes, no makeup, glasses on his face, and yet he still looked—

“Gorgeous,” Johnny whispered.

“Shut up,” Mark whined weakly.

“Learn to take a compliment,” Johnny quipped back. He smiled. Then he got off Mark, much to the younger’s despair. “I wanna take a couple more, is that alright?”

“Yeah,” Mark said. Like he could ever say no to Johnny.

“Take off your shirt.”

Though he was tempted to shriek out another high-pitched ‘ _what?!’_ , Mark bit his lip in restraint. There was something about this moment, heady and charged with tension, that made him ready to comply. He sat up and pulled his shirt up over his head. Johnny took it from him and hung it over the back of his desk chair.

“Lay on your side facing the window,” Johnny said. Then he drew the curtains shut and turned on the bedside lamp. He stood facing Mark’s back. “I’m going to, uh, arrange you now. Is that okay?”

“Do what you need to do,” Mark said, sounding braver than he felt. The next thing he knew, Johnny’s hand was circling his arm, moving it so Mark’s hand was gripping his own hair, elbow pointed toward the ceiling. Then Johnny arranged his legs so that the top one was bent, knee falling into the mattress, and the bottom one was straight. He could feel the way this pose accentuated his hips, his slender waist. Johnny then draped a blanket over Mark’s body, letting its edge stop just before the dip of Mark’s waistline.

“You’ve got the nicest ass. ‘S’not fair.”

“Yours is nicer.”

“Flatterer,” Johnny murmured. Mark heard Johnny get on his knees behind him and then felt the bed dip where Johnny’s elbows pressed into it. He imagined Johnny behind him, behind his camera. He wondered what he looked like to Johnny. He wondered how the sight of him like this, half naked, body angles open and inviting, made Johnny feel. He wanted to ask. The words _what are you thinking_ were on the tip of his tongue. But he had this unshakable feeling that any word out of place would make these perfect moments dissolve like grains of sugar in water.

There was another _click_. Johnny set the camera down on the bedside table and then ran his hand up Mark’s arm until he reached his elbow, leaving goosebumps in its wake. He pulled it down, letting Mark know that he could relax from his pose. When Mark did so, he turned halfway around so he could look at Johnny. So Johnny could look at him. Mark had no idea how he looked right now, but he imagined it was somewhere between lovestruck and painfully desperate. That’s how he always felt, anyways.

“Hyung.”

Johnny didn’t respond. His eyes trailed over Mark’s face, down his neck to the black hair poking out from under his arms, then to his bare chest. Mark was suddenly self-conscious. It was ridiculous—they had seen each other shirtless, even pants-less, many, many times. But those times were different. Those were rushed, frantic costume changes between concert sections. Those were frustrated pair or group showers, taken while half asleep under harsh lighting because they didn’t have time for nine or ten guys to shower individually. This—the knowledge that they didn’t have anywhere to be, the calm silence that stretched around them, enveloping them in a warm cocoon—this was different.

Mark couldn’t say a word, not even if his life depended on it. He would do nothing if only to keep this moment as it was, unchanging, forever. His heart pounded as Johnny’s eyes roamed over his body. He felt even more beautiful than the photo of him looked.

Finally, Johnny spoke again. “I’m gonna take one more picture.” Mark watched as Johnny stood up and took off his own shirt, revealing his beautiful tan skin, the outline of his abs that he had worked so hard to achieve. Then there were the finer details: his dark brown nipples, the thick black hair under his arms, and the trail of wispy hair leading down to the waistband of his pants—Mark drank it all in, jaw agape. Johnny climbed into the bed with Mark, laying on his side to face him. One arm reached around Mark’s body, pulling it so that Mark was on his side, facing Johnny, as close as they could be without touching. Mark shivered.

Johnny positioned the camera above their faces with an outstretched arm. He held it just far enough that it would capture their heads, necks, and bare shoulders. Just before he clicked the camera, he turned his head towards Mark. “Look. Look at me.”

Mark did. He met Johnny’s eyes. They had gone darker than Mark had ever seen them before.

_Click_.

As soon as the photo was taken, Johnny hastily placed the camera on the side table, picture still printing, then trailed a hand down the side of Mark’s face. Unable to stop himself, Mark leaned up into the touch. His eyes fell closed. He turned his head so that his lips grazed Johnny’s palm. “ _Oh_ ,” Johnny breathed, as if in wonderment. His thumb pressed against Mark’s lower lip, tracing it none too lightly back and forth before doing the same to his upper lip. Mark’s mouth fell open against the ministrations, his breath falling out in heavy pants.

“Mark. Mark. Jesus. Look at you, baby.”

Suddenly, Mark’s eyes snapped open. He shot up in the bed and scrambled out of it.

“Mark? What’s wrong? Did I make you uncomfortable? I’m so sorry.”

  
Mark turned his back to Johnny. He started putting his shirt back on. He couldn’t believe he was running from the situation—it was what he had dreamed of for literally seven years now. But something about hearing that nickname, _baby_ , had shaken Mark up.

“What are we doing, hyung? What do you…what do you want from me?” When Mark said that out loud, he realized something: he didn’t want this unless he was honest with Johnny first. He wanted to tell Johnny everything. His crush of almost seven years. The dreams he’d have of Johnny at night. The daydreams he’d conjured up in his tired moments, imagining a life, a future of them together. He wanted too many things, and he wanted them all or nothing. And he needed to know what Johnny wanted. He needed to know if Johnny was in love with him, too, or if this wasn’t something serious, something life-changing to him like it was to Mark.

“I just wanted to kiss you,” Johnny said. He sounded strange—sad, a little whiny. Confused. It made Mark’s head spin.

“That’s it?”

“Just now? I—yeah. That’s it.”

_That’s it._ The words echoed in Mark’s head for a brief eternity. The resounded, again and again, until the pressure of tears behind his eyes, which he would not shed, drowned the cacophony out. He felt his heart break in a way it had never broken before. It broke into pieces, shards, so infinitesimally small he was sure he would never feel right again. From the pit of his belly, he summoned the last vestiges of his voice.

“Bye, hyung.”

And he walked out the door, ignoring the sound of Johnny calling his name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;___; it hurt me too. 
> 
> thank you to those of you who have been leaving kudos & comments on this fic. i can't tell you how happy it makes me. i really hope you enjoyed this chapter. please let me know if you did by leaving a comment. your comments always spark joy ♥
> 
> -sof


	4. city of dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark could hardly breathe. His gaze traveled from Johnny’s warm eyes, impossible to meet, down to the shape of lips, the ones that Mark had spent hours and hours over days and years dreaming about. From there his eyes roved downward over Johnny’s throat, the tan skin and the impressive Adam’s apple beneath it, over Johnny’s clavicles peeking out from underneath his loose white tank top. Finally, his chest; defined and enticing, even beneath a layer of fabric. Mark longed to bury his head there and never come up.

_“No.”_ Johnny’s wrist closed around Mark’s hand. “I’m not going to let this become some big misunderstanding. We’re going to talk about this.” Mark didn’t respond. He tried to tug away from Johnny, but Johnny would not let go. “Mark, please,” he whispered. “I don’t want to go weeks without talking to you. I know how you get. You’re angry, then you go silent, thinking you can work it all out in your own head.”

Mark’s shoulders tensed. Sometimes he could forget just how well Johnny knew him.

“Then you start to overthink things, questioning every little one of your actions and words. You could go for weeks without having another substantive conversation with me because you’re so in your head. And that—” Mark turned a few inches. From the corner of his eye, he saw Johnny’s eyebrows pulled together, his mouth downturned. “That scares me.”

Mark’s eyes widened with surprise for a moment. And then all the fight left his body. Johnny must have sensed it because he let go of Mark’s wrist. Slowly, Mark turned to him. Johnny was scared? Of Mark not talking to him? He turned that thought over in his head for a few moments. It made sense that any bandmate would fear awkwardness between them. Yet a stubbornly hopeful part of Mark’s emotional brain urged that this was _more_. That he needed to reassure Johnny.

“That won’t happen this time. I’ll be fine, I just—I don’t want to talk about this right now. Okay?” He looked at Johnny expectantly. Johnny seemed to debate internally for a moment before he gave his answer. His brown eyes bore into Mark’s, searching.

“Okay. I trust you. And I don’t want to force you to talk about something when you’re not ready.”

“Thanks,” Mark murmured, and with a small smile, left to go back to the tenth floor.

-

Days passed, and, true to his word, Mark wasn’t too in his head. He was avoiding Johnny a bit, but Johnny was emotionally intelligent enough to know that Mark needed space and let him have it. For this, Mark was grateful. Of the many things that Mark appreciated about Johnny, his ability to be, for lack of a better word, _chill_ when the situation called for it, was one of Mark’s favorites. Some of the other older members—Taeyong, Doyoung, even Yuta at times—could be the overbearing with their concern. Mark loved that about them, though, so he would never say anything against it. Still, the space that Johnny was giving allowed Mark time to think.

What was it, really, about that situation in Johnny’s bed that had sent Mark running? Was Mark the kind of guy who needed a full feelings acknowledgement before anything remotely physical happened? If so, was there anything wrong with that? He didn’t think so, but Mark also realized that it would probably be impractical to tell Johnny all the details of his seven-year crush before they so much as kissed. If they ever would kiss.

Mark sighed and turned over in his bed. He opened his camera roll and scrolled down to the pictures taken during a recent outing with him, Jaehyun, and Johnny. There were a few of the three of them, all too goofy to share on their official social media. Then there were a couple of Mark himself, hoodie pulled up, peace sign over his face to hide his stubble. He could practically hear Jaehyun behind the camera. _C’mon Mark, be confident._ Easy for Jaehyun to say.

Finally, there were picture of Johnny, taken by Mark. So many pictures of Johnny. Johnny playing with the drawstrings of his hoodie. Johnny eating ridiculously huge mouthfuls of sizzling meat and copious amounts of garlic cloves wrapped in perilla leaves on a dare. Johnny with one arm resting on the table and another downing a bottle of beer, looking like a college student that Mark could have met on some North American campus in another life.

Mark could barely remember taking those photos—he’d probably been buzzed himself. After some more scrolling, he chanced on one of the three of them. Mark was in the center. Jaehyun was close to him, but they weren’t touching. He was too good at handling his alcohol to be too touchy in public. Mark though—Mark was _gone_. In the photo, he was leaning against Johnny fully, eyes barely open. Johnny wasn’t looking at the camera; he was looking down at Mark with an expression of pure fondness etched across his features. Eyes crinkling at the corners, mouth upturned just slightly, body turned to Mark, his whole physical presence at attention to Mark’s drooping form.

Mark’s heart sang. He fell asleep wishing he had been more alert at the time that photo was taken, so he could remember Johnny looking at him that way.

-

Pajamas? Check. Skincare products? Check. Coats, thick socks, gloves? Check, check, check. 

Mark wracked his brain trying to remember anything else he might need. Despite having embarked on what seemed like a million international trips, Mark still hadn’t optimized his packing process. Doyoung had adapted to their lifestyle by having another set of all his essentials—underwear, toiletries, a few basic clothing items—always packed in his travel suitcase. Mark had considered that, but something about the idea of never truly being unpacked unsettled him; he felt like if he couldn’t unpack, he wasn’t really home. And this dorm—with managers constantly coming and leaving, with their beloved auntie who made sure they weren’t subsisting solely on beer and ramyun, and of course, with the loud and quiet, the brash and shy, the clingy and chill, and above all, loving boys—was home. It had been home for a while now.

He scratched his head, then shuffled through the items on his desk for the _things-to-pack_ list he’d made a few months back as he’d packed for some other trip. Where was that again? The international excursions of recent months and years all blurred together in his head. U.S.A. Chile. Japan. Singapore. Mexico. The U.K. Spain. And now, this time, the U.S.A again; specifically, New York.

Mark sighed in resignation, accepting the fact that he was forgetting something, and closed his suitcase. He moved on to his backpack, his trusty old Jansport backpack, where he packed the items he would most immediately need on the plane or soon after disembarking. His earbuds, various chargers, cough drops. Then his hand bumped against something. It felt like a container. He was about to take it out when there was knock on his door.

“Markie, can I come in?”

Mark jumped. He looked and saw Johnny standing in his doorway. “Hyung,” he breathed. “Yeah, come in.”

“Almost done packing?” Johnny asked, settling in on Mark’s bed. He ran his hand across the top of Mark’s suitcase.

“Almost. Feel like I’m forgetting something though.”

Johnny shrugged. “You probably are.”

“Hey!”

“You always forget something. It’s fine. One of us will have whatever it is you’re missing.”

“Like the time I thought we were going somewhere for three days but it was actually five and I had to borrow extra underwear from Jaehyun hyung.” Mark shuddered at the memory of how embarrassed he had felt to ask. Thinking back on it now, he could have just bought some more.

“Yeah. Jaehyun always has, like, five extra pairs anyways,” Johnny said, laughing. “Oh, and there was that time you forgot your earbuds.”

“Ugh, none of you would lend yours to me. I had to ask everyone before I finally got to Taeyong hyung. Poor guy, he was so exhausted, and I know he likes to listen to his soothing classical playlist, but he just said ‘of course, Mark,’ and handed his earbuds right over.”

“He’s a saint, that’s for sure.”

Mark murmured agreement and returned to rummaging his backpack. He unearthed the container from the bag’s depths and looked at it in puzzlement for a moment, until he remembered what it was with a start. “Oh my god,” he gasped.

“What is that?” Johnny asked.

“It’s, uh…” Mark blushed. “Something I got for you, actually. When we were in Spain. Uh. God, that’s embarrassing. Can’t believe I forgot to give it to you. It’s just been in my backpack.” Mark bit his lip to stop his rambling. He held out the container and Johnny took it with a raised eyebrow.

He opened the lid and his eyes widened. “You got me the coffee from that breakfast place we went to!” Johnny smiled widely before he closed his eyes and inhaled the scent of the coffee beans. “God, that’s good.” He screwed the lid back on and stood up. “I’m going to make this right now.”

“Now?” Mark asked. “It’s like, seven in the evening. You won’t be able to sleep.”

Johnny chuckled. He looked down at Mark and his expression softened. “I won’t be able to sleep tonight anyways. Too happy. Too excited.”

Mark fought the urge to back away as Johnny stood in his personal bubble. His presence was so overwhelming. “Oh, uh, because you’re excited to go to the states?”

“Yeah…” Johnny said. But something in his tone was off. Johnny shook his head. “No. That’s not why. The reason I’m so happy is because—” Johnny gulped. With a start, Mark realized Johnny was _nervous_.

“Hyung?” Not realizing what he was doing, Mark reached out a hand and wound it around Johnny’s wrist. Johnny gasped, almost imperceptibly, at the contact. _What am I doing?_ Mark asked himself. Just a few days ago he’d bolted out of Johnny’s room, scared out of his mind because Johnny had called him a pet name. Now here he was, initiating that same intimacy with Johnny.

“I’m going to say something really honest, Mark,” Johnny whispered. He cleared his throat, and his voice returned to a normal volume. “The reason I’m going to be too happy to sleep is because you gave me such a thoughtful gift. You thought of me. And that—that means something to me. It makes me happier than I could have expected.”

_Goddamn_. Mark didn’t know what to say to that. “Wow hyung, you’re pretty easy to please huh?”

Johnny just chuckled. He used his free hand to stroke his fingers through Mark’s hair, slow and deliberate. “With you, it seems that I am.” Mark could hardly breathe. His gaze traveled from Johnny’s warm eyes, impossible to meet, down to the shape of lips, the ones that Mark had spent hours and hours over days and years dreaming about. From there his eyes roved downward over Johnny’s throat, the tan skin and the impressive Adam’s apple beneath it, over Johnny’s clavicles peeking out from underneath his loose white tank top. Finally, his chest; defined and enticing, even beneath a layer of fabric. Mark longed to bury his head there and never come up.

“Go make your coffee, hyung.” Mark murmured when the moment passed. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.” Johnny headed towards the door. He turned back for a moment. “Hey, seriously Mark. Thanks for this,” he said, shaking the can of coffee beans. “I appreciate it.”

Mark watched Johnny leave. For a moment, he was rooted to the ground, unable to move from the spot where Johnny had touched him so intimately. Then, he remembered he still had to pack his toothbrush. With a sigh and a shake of his head, Mark returned to the task at hand. As he finished chucking the rest of his essential items into his backpack, he couldn’t help but wonder what this trip to New York would have in store for him.

-

The next morning at the airport, Mark was excited, feeling good. Several steps in front of him, Johnny walked steadfastly forward through the crowd. Without thinking about it too much, Mark jogged to catch up with him, his backpack bouncing against his waist as he did.

“I’m looking forward to this.”

“Me too, buddy.”

Mark smiled up at him. Then something caught his eye; the passport wallet he’d crafted for Johnny a few months ago. “You’re still using it?” he wondered aloud, mostly to himself.

“Of course I am,” Johnny said, echoing the same response he’d given Mark before. “I love it.”

Mark reached into his pocket and brushed his fingers against his own passport wallet, the one Johnny had made for him. He had checked a million times that it was there before leaving the dorm, too. Secretly, in the quietude of his bedroom, Mark had traced the engraving on it a million times— _J_ _♡M._ In the midst of a busy airport, feeling its smooth leather had Mark feeling reassured. It was the same feeling he got whenever Johnny smiled fondly at him, the way he did now.

-

After they finished performing at the parade, Johnny invited Mark along for a walk in Central Park. Mark agreed, but he felt nervous about it. After all, other than the few moments Johnny had spent in Mark’s room when he was packing, the two of them had not spent time alone together since Mark had run away from Johnny when he said he wanted to kiss him. Beyond that, the idea of walking around New York with Johnny felt like another one of their little dates. The more these happened, the more Mark wanted to pull out his hair and beg Johnny to tell him what this all meant.

When they exited the subway, it was freezing, so Mark shoved his hands inside his pockets and stood as close to Johnny as he dared, because Johnny was always so warm. And he felt safe in the knowledge that Johnny would never, ever push him away.

“I’m going to film for a bit. Is that okay with you?” Johnny asked.

“Yeah, that’s fine. JCC?”

“Mhm.”

They walked and talked. They had the camera trained on them, but Mark kept his eyes on the scenery around them. People milled around in fashionable fall wear. Couples, families, groups of young teenagers, people walking their dogs. They walked past a pond by which a young woman sat sketching something in her notebook. She was leaning back against the sturdy trunk of a weeping willow tree; its branches curved over her protectively, its leaves providing a canopy of privacy for her as they arched above her head and then dipped into the surface of the water. Mark had a sudden urge to sit there with Johnny and do nothing but watch the wispy tendrils of the tree float on the pond’s surface.

Once they had filmed enough Johnny shut off the camera and pocketed it. He wrapped his arm around Mark’s shivering shoulders. “Didn’t wear your thermals, did you?” he asked. “Oh man, that must be what you were forgetting when you were packing.”

“Yup,” Mark groaned. “So dumb. I guess you remembered yours; is that why you’re not cold?”

“That, and because I’m just a real warm-hearted guy.”

Mark laughed his screechy laugh. “Shut up, bro.”

“Don’t tell me to shut up. Here I am, benevolently sharing my thermal-trapped body heat with you, and you’re being so mean.” Johnny had a hand over his heart in mock hurt.

“Well, hug me tighter or buy me something hot because I’m honestly about to turn into a block of ice. Jesus, I can’t feel my toes.”

Johnny laughed. Then he looked around as subtly as he could. When he seemed satisfied that there was no one near, he slipped his hand into Mark’s pocket and wrapped his fingers around Mark’s. The warmth from Johnny’s fingers slowly seeped into Mark’s skin, and he sighed aloud with pleasure. He wanted to stay like this forever. Johnny looked so handsome with his jet black hair and clothes that accentuated all his best features – his shoulders, his legs, everything. God, why had Mark ever refused that kiss?

“I’m sorry you’re so cold,” Johnny murmured, his voice low now. “I’ll buy you something hot. C’mon, let’s go eat.”

The restaurant they found was warm and lively. It was buzzing with what Mark could only describe as holiday spirit. He and Johnny settled into a corner and ordered their dishes. Mark drank in the cheer as he felt his toes thaw.

“Hyung, you’re sure you’re buying? I’m fine to split.” Mark said.

“I’m sure. I’ll pay.”

Mark couldn’t help the warmth that spread from within; a warmth that had nothing to do with indoor heating. It was so easy to pretend like this was a date. Like the one in Spain. Like that night by the Han river. Mark wondered why having this one-sided affection didn’t get any easier. He saw Johnny all the time, spent countless hours with him, and the more he knew Johnny, the more Mark liked him. Johnny never got annoyed with him for anything. Not for his screechy laugh, not for his multiple attempts to cook that all ended in failure, and not for his stubbornness in churning out lyrics for every song he was on. In fact, Johnny seemed to really enjoy hanging out with him. Otherwise why would he always ask Mark to be in his videos? So it hurt sometimes – these quasi-dates, the caring, the kindness, because it was what Mark dreamed about. What hurt more was the fact that Mark had been suspended in this state of _crush_ for so many years now, afraid to take things further for fear of anything changing. What would he do if he couldn’t be like this with Johnny one day because he messed everything up by telling Johnny how he really felt? But still— _still_ —Mark dreamed about having more, too. He dreamed about having everything with Johnny, becoming everything to Johnny. He felt an uncharacteristic, all-consuming desire to lose himself when he was with John Suh.

A waiter arrived with their food, setting it gently down with a _clink_ against the wooden table. They inhaled steaming, buttery soup, crunchy toast with creamy avocado, and warm, frothy drinks. As Johnny narrated for the camera, he thanked the fans for their support of the full first year of his Youtube videos. “Oh yeah, happy anniversary,” Mark said, barely looking up from his food. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Johnny look a little embarrassed while smiling, though Mark couldn’t imagine why.

Once they had finished eating and were getting ready to leave, a middle-aged woman sitting on the other side of Mark turned to them. “Happy anniversary. The two of you make a lovely couple,” she said. Mark almost choked on his avocado toast. “We- what—?”

“Thank you so much, ma’am,” Johnny broke in. He leaned across Mark toward her. “Happy Thanksgiving.” Then Johnny swiftly pulled Mark out of the restaurant. They started walking back towards the hotel, but Mark was still spluttering.

“Why’d you say that to her? No, why’d she say that? That was weird.”

Johnny rolled his eyes. “You said ‘happy anniversary’ to me. So she assumed we’re dating.”

“We- dating- you and me—” Mark babbled for what felt like several minutes. _Dating_. _Happy anniversary_. Another image came to him unbidden. In his mind’s eye he saw himself, a few years older, accepting a music show award for his first solo single. He walks off the stage, high on success, and waiting for him back in his dressing room is his boyfriend of three years, Johnny Suh. He has a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a pair of plane tickets in another. _Happy anniversary baby_ he murmurs. _I love you, Mark Lee._

“Wait,” Mark said slowly, unraveling inside. “So why’d you just roll with it?”

Johnny’s face suddenly became unreadable. His eyes took on a distant coldness that had Mark feeling like he was stumbling on thin ice, already cracked.

“Johnny?” Mark whispered.

Johnny shrugged. “Felt easier than explaining the whole Youtube channel thing.”

“Oh.” Mark winced when he realized he was unable to mask the disappointment in his voice. It was pathetically obvious. His gaze fell towards his shoes hitting the gray pavement. He shivered as a biting wind blew right through him. In a moment of despair, Mark had the thought that maybe it was time to give up this crush on Johnny. It was time to grow up and move on. It was time to let go, for real this time.

Just the thought made Mark feel more alone than ever.

-

“I’m heading out with Taeil-hyung for a bit,” Donghyuck said as he grabbed his wallet and coat.

Mark barely looked up from where he was cocooned in the hotel bedsheets. It was evening now, and they were scheduled for an early morning flight from JFK back to Seoul. “Be careful.”

Donghyuck sighed. “You sure you don’t wanna come?”

“Mmph.”

“Ah, a non-verbal, one-syllable response. In my Mark Lee Standard Dictionary, that means you want to talk soon, but not right now. I’ll be back in two or three hours. We can talk then?”

“Mm.”

Donghyuck chuckled. “Okay. See ya.”

The door shut gently as Donghyuck slipped out. Now alone in the large hotel room, Mark whined aloud. He burrowed as far into his cocoon of fluffy white comforters and pillows as he could. He was kind of hoping that by shutting out all external stimuli, his brain would shut up, too.

Alas, Mark had a traitorous, overthinking brain that would not shut up, especially not when Mark wanted it to. Deeper he sunk into his bed, into his thoughts. A tangled web of emotions and memories splayed out in the darkness behind his closed eyelids. The thread that connected the entire morass was exactly who it had always been. Johnny Suh.

Distantly, as if he were underwater, Mark heard his phone buzzing. He barely registered it at first, but the buzzing was persistent. Briefly, perhaps by force of habit, Mark felt the urge to unfurl himself and go answer it. But he couldn’t move. He just couldn’t.

Some moments passed, and the buzzing ceased. Mark relaxed once more. He hoped Donghyuck would come back soon. He needed someone to help him get out of his head right now, because there was no way he’d be getting out himself. He simply could not stop reminiscing about all the perfect, beautiful moments he had shared with the man he had admired for so long that he had lost count of the years it had gone on. Every touch, every kind word, every encouraging push. Every outing, every gift. Every fucking second.

Finally, the sound of the hotel room’s keycard beeping and door opening came. “Haechanie?” Mark mumbled. There was no response. Donghyuck probably still had his earbuds in. Mark waited.

“Mark.”

It wasn’t Donghyuck.

Mark cracked open his eyes to see Johnny standing over him.

“We need to talk, Markie.”

“Hyung?” Mark asked. He was dazed, but his heartrate increased rapidly at the sight of Johnny’s face streaked with soft yellow lamplight.

“Haechanie asked me to come see you. Said you weren’t feeling good.”

Mark sat up, pulling the covers tight around him, a protective comfort. “‘M fine.”

“…Right. That’s why you, as Haechan said, haven’t moved in four hours.”

Mark looked off to the side.

“Is it okay if I sit next to you?”

“Sure.”

The edge of the bed dipped as Johnny settled next to Mark. Even through the layers of their clothing and the blankets, Mark could feel the warmth emanating from Johnny’s body. “I’m just going to dive right in,” Johnny said. “Mark, why did you run off that day?”

Mark let out a small, disbelieving laugh. “Y’know, it’s funny. I’ve been asking myself the same question for days. Why did I?”

Johnny waited patiently. And when he did, something fell into place for Mark. Bits and pieces of memory gathered like puzzle pieces. He could see the whole picture clearly now.

“Alright, man. Here it goes. I’ve had a crush on you for a long, long time. At some point, after we really started to know each other, it stopped being a crush and probably became something more serious. And I’ve been carrying this thing along with me like—like it’s a heavy treasure chest, filled with all the moments that we’ve shared that are special to me. It keeps getting heavier as time goes on, getting harder to carry all by myself as we make more of those memories. Because I’ve always felt like it’s just me. Like I’m the only one who…”

Fuck, this was hard. Mark took another deep breath. There was no going back from this. This was it. He looked up, looked Johnny right dead in the eye. “Like I’m the only one who has feelings for you. And when—god—when we almost kissed, I just couldn’t do that. Not without you knowing the extent of this. I’m in deep for you, and you said you just wanted to kiss me, nothing else, and I didn’t want that. Didn’t want to kiss you without you knowing how much it would mean to me. Especially if it was just going to be a one and done thing for you. I think that could’ve really hurt me. So, yeah, that’s why I ran away from it.”

The silence that followed his confession felt like the longest silence in Mark’s life. And yet, he already felt lighter. The treasure chest was open now, and some of its contents had spilled out. It wasn’t so heavy anymore.

“Thank you for sharing that with me.”

“No problem, um.” Damn. Mark could already feel a lump forming in his throat. He stopped speaking so his voice wouldn’t tremble.

“I’m going to be honest with you, Mark.”

_Fuck, here it comes_ , Mark thought.

“I wanted to do more than kiss you that day.”

_What?_

“What?” Mark asked. “But you said…”

“I said all I wanted to do was kiss you because I meant that’s all I wanted to do, uh, _physically_ at that time. But I also wanted to hold your hand and ask you out forreal, with intention, y’know, officially. When I asked you to go on a date with me in Spain, I was being a coward. I said it like we were on one of our official Youtube videos, like it was a joke. _I went on a date with Mark the other day,”_ Johnny said, switching to Korean, acting out what it might sound like if he was speaking for a camera. “It sounds less serious like that.”

“I’m so—I’m confused, Johnny. You wanted to ask me out?”

Johnny gave him a small smile. “Yeah. I did. I kept pretending like our little outings were just friendly, but Mark—” Johnny leaned in. Gently, he stroked his fingers through Mark’s hair. “Those moments were special to me, too.”

“Hyung.”

“Maybe I haven’t felt this way about you for as long as you have for me. That’s true. But for the past six, seven, maybe more months,” Johnny paused, looking down at Mark’s lips for a brief second. “I’ve thought about you all the time.”

Mark’s heartrate skyrocketed. His mouth went dry. “Johnny, I—”

“Kiss me? And I hope you won’t run away this time.”

Mark stared up into Johnny’s eyes. He saw himself grinning from ear to ear. “Couldn’t move right now if I tried.”

Johnny laughed, his breath fanning against Mark’s mouth, warm and smelling faintly of chocolate. Then, at long last, Mark closed the gap between them and brushed his lips against Johnny’s. They were full, plush, and somehow burning hot. Mark pressed harder against those lips, and, in the process, made his way out of his blanket cocoon and up onto his knees. He used his heightened position to cup Johnny’s face with both hands and kiss him harder. He angled his head for a better kiss, and Johnny’s mouth opened up under his.

Mark gasped as Johnny’s arms found their way around Mark’s back and waist, pulling him into his lap. “Markie,” Johnny whispered against his mouth, “wanted to do this for so long.”

Mark snorted. “I promise you I’ve wanted it longer.”

“Looks like we’re both getting what we want, then,” Johnny said. Then he pulled away, just by a few inches. Mark was already dizzy. “Hey, we should talk.” Seeing Mark’s confused expression, Johnny elaborated: “I mean. We should talk about what this means. What you want. And what I want. And see if it matches up.”

Mark rested his arms on Johnny’s shoulders and fell against his body. “I’ll tell you what I want right now. I wanna be like we’ve always been, but I wanna kiss you every day, too. Oh, and when you do shirtless yoga in my room, I don’t want to pretend like I’m not looking. Because I could look at you forever.”

Johnny’s eyes glowed. “Mark Lee.”

“Johnny.”

“You might be the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen,” Johnny said, his thumb brushing across Mark’s lower lip.

Mark hid his laugh against Johnny’s chest. “Shut up, hyung.”

“No, I don’t think I will. After all, you said you don’t want anything to change, right?” The teasing edge was already back in Johnny’s voice.

Mark looked up at Johnny, cheek still pressed to his chest. He smiled. “Yeah. That’s what I want.” Then, with both hands fisted in Johnny’s shirt, Mark fell back against the mattress, pulling Johnny down on top of him. “And I want you to keep kissing me.”

“Will do. But first, a question,” Johnny murmured. He brushed his nose from the tip of Mark’s chin up along his jaw until his lips were at his ear. “Go out with me?”

Mark laughed, exuberant. His hands tightened in Johnny’s shirt, in sheer joy. “Yes. Damn, thought you’d never ask.”

“Good,” Johnny said, then dove back in to kiss him again. And again and again and again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for your patience! i recently started graduate school so that's why it took so long lol. i hope you liked this chapter ♥
> 
> i'm planning one more chapter, an epilogue of sorts, told from johnny's perspective. stay tuned! you can subscribe to this story or to me to get notified when i upload it. hopefully that update doesn't take as long as this one did. 
> 
> please leave a comment if you enjoyed. the comments i've been getting on this fic have absolutely made my days so much better. i still re-read them frequently. they're my little treasures :')


	5. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny and Mark go on some dates, talk about some serious things, and kiss a lot (and more than that, too).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to all who read this story. special thanks to those who commented on this story, which is the reason i was able to finish it at all. i'm so grateful to you! i truly hope you enjoy this conclusion to the fic. please let me know if you do ♥ 
> 
> note: this chapter contains smut. during the sex scene, the italicized text is spoken in Korean by the characters. I didn't want to specify this each time, because, being the bilinguals they are, I wrote them as switching between the languages pretty often.

It was the quietest time of the night in the dorm. Late enough that everyone had gone to sleep, or at least in bed on their phones and making no noise, and early enough that no one had gotten up to get ready yet. Everything, and everyone, was at rest.

Except for Johnny. He lay on his side as he gazed at Mark, whose black hair fanned out against half of Johnny’s pillow, his chest slowly rising and falling with peaceful breath. Johnny’s arm was slung across Mark’s waist.

This thing between them was still new. As much as Johnny wanted to completely let his guard down around Mark, it was harder than he expected it would be. He was still figuring out how to reconcile the side of him that clung to sarcasm and teasing with the side of him that felt such tender emotions about his boyfriend that it sometimes shocked Johnny. He knew that Mark didn’t mind the teasing; in fact, Johnny was pretty sure he liked it more than he wanted to admit. Still, Johnny couldn’t stop wondering exactly how to behave around this boy he’d known and lived with for years and years before they had introduced romance to their relationship. Especially because it had been years since Johnny’s last relationship, and Johnny wanted to do better this time.

“Mm,” Mark mumbled against the pillow. His eyes opened to the sight Johnny’s furrowed brow and slight frown.

“Hey, you’re awake?”

“You were thinking so loud it woke me up.” Mark teased with a tired smile. His voice was low and relaxed from sleep.

Johnny chuckled as quietly as he could, not wanting to disturb their peace. Mark cuddled closer for a minute, then sighed as he got up to go use the restroom. Johnny turned onto his other side to watch Mark leave through the bedroom door and kept his eyes trained on it until Mark returned. He was rubbing his sleepy eyes as he made his way back to the bed. But instead of climbing in next to Johnny, he straddled Johnny’s hips and rested his cheek on Johnny’s chest.

“Aw, Markie. Everything alright?”

Mark nodded. Johnny wrapped his arms around Mark’s body and sighed contently as he enjoyed the feeling of their alternating heartbeats against his chest. He gently stroked his hands up and down Mark’s back. It felt so indescribably _right_ ; like this was an answer to a big, glaring question that Johnny had always had but never knew how to put into words.

Mark inched upwards, his lips seeking kisses. Johnny smiled and pressed his mouth to Mark’s, closing his eyes and relishing the feeling. Kissing Mark like this was somehow both relaxing and exciting at the same time. Every time Mark’s lips slotted in between his, pecked the corner of his mouth, or smiled against his skin, Johnny’s eyes rolled back in his head from sheer joy. He never wanted to stop exploring all the ways he could make Mark sigh with pleasure from kissing.

“I guess since I haven’t been asleep too long my breath doesn’t smell like absolute ass yet,” Mark said.

  
Johnny laughed as loud as he dared. “Don’t worry, you’re minty fresh.”

“Liar,” Mark said, then leaned in to kiss Johnny again.

The kiss stayed slow and sweet, just like most of their kisses had been since the very recent beginning of their relationship. Johnny was enjoying things as they were, but Johnny could tell that Mark wanted to speed things up. It made Johnny nervous sometimes, because he wasn’t ready to go too far too fast, and he dreaded having that conversation. But for now, things were blissful.

Since that fateful day in New York City, they had been official. They didn’t feel the need to tell the whole group at once, but over the weeks following that day, they had all found out in their own ways. Some by Johnny or Mark telling them directly, like Taeyong and Donghyuck; some by hearing it from other members, and some from walking in on them kissing. No one was too concerned, and everyone was happy for them. The support of his new relationship from all his best friends made Johnny happier than he ever thought he could be. Even now, in the middle of night, the mere memory of his bandmates’ words of congratulations made Johnny effuse joy. His lips turned up in a smile. As if Mark could absorb happiness through Johnny’s skin; or, as if he could tell what Johnny was thinking about, Mark’s lips mirrored Johnny’s, curving upward as they continued to wind around his.

After a few minutes of their sleepy kisses, Mark pulled away to let out a huge yawn. Johnny watched in amusement as Mark’s mouth opened wide, making his nose and eyes scrunch up. It made him look like a cat.

“Time to go to sleep?”

“Mm. I wanna kiss you more, though, fuck.”

Johnny’s eyes grew dark. “Tempting. Truly tempting. But we have to be up in three hours.”

“I know. It’s just…”

“What’s wrong?”

Mark shook his head. “No. Nothing’s wrong. That’s just the thing. I’m so…” Mark trailed off as a smile overtook his features. He leaned in closer so that the tip of his nose brushed the tip of Johnny’s nose. “I’m just so fucking _happy._ Feels like a dream, kissing you in the middle of the night. After all that time I spent just having this big gay crush on you. Don’t wanna wake up and find out it’s not real anymore.”

A warm feeling flowered open in Johnny’s chest. He felt his whole body heat up, and he knew that he was blushing bright red, the darkness only just obscuring it. The group had always called him the romantic one, but Johnny thought that in that moment, Mark was giving him a run for his money. He was the poet, the lyricist, the shy but loyal lover. And Johnny felt like his muse. Like a thing of beauty. Like he was on top of the world with Mark’s warm breath fanning against his mouth.

“Mark Lee. _Baby_ ,” Johnny crooned, pulling Mark’s body tightly against his own. Under his fingertips, he felt Mark’s skin shiver and raise goosebumps. “I’m really fucking happy, too. And I promise you I’ll be here when we get up in three hours. Now let’s sleep so we’re not total zombies tomorrow, okay?”

With one last kiss, achingly sweet, Mark climbed off Johnny to settle in bed next to him. They lay on their sides facing each other. It was one of the most intimate positions Johnny could imagine. Whenever he had been with someone after his last bad breakup, the idea of cuddling this way would scare him halfway out the door. But with Mark, who looked at Johnny like he was all he had ever wanted, who had always looked at him like that, Johnny felt at ease.

“I don’t have my pillow…” Mark murmured. He was referring to the pillow he usually hugged to go to sleep. Johnny had literally kicked it off Mark’s bed in order to make room for himself.

“Hug me instead?” Johnny turned around so his back was to Mark. Mark scooted closer, slung one arm around Johnny’s waist, and slid one leg in between Johnny’s thighs.

“So warm…” Mark muttered against Johnny’s shoulder blade. Johnny listened to Mark’s breathing slow. Even though he was going to get less than three hours of sleep tonight, Johnny felt ridiculously happy. He fell asleep wishing that he could always feel this lucky. That he would never have to worry about getting his heart broken again.

-

Johnny was excited. Actually, that was an understatement. Between the lasting post-performance adrenaline high and the idea of what was about to happen, Johnny was positively buzzing with anticipation. He and Mark were assigned to be roommates tonight. This would be the first time that they’d be sharing a hotel room since their relationship had begun. Johnny was over the moon at the idea of sharing some wine with Mark, cuddling, watching a movie, and then talking the night away. Even though they had known each other for over seven years, Johnny still felt that there was much more to know about Mark, about the way his brain worked, about his feelings and about his past and his dreams for the future. And beyond that, he wanted Mark to be curious about him and his feelings, too. He was excited to get into some of that tonight.

He showered and did his skincare, then put on the new pajama set he had gotten for himself. It was blue silk with a long-sleeved, button-up top and drawstring pants. While he usually preferred to sleep shirtless, he couldn’t resist wanting to look fashionable at all times for Mark. So when he saw an online store that actually had nice men’s sleepwear in his size, he immediately purchased one for himself and one for Mark. Yeah, Johnny was _that_ guy: the one who loved to buy and wear couple-y outfits with his partner. He had tried to hide it then, but when Mark had called their flying yoga outfits _couple-y looking_ all those months ago, Johnny’s heart had nearly beat out of his chest.

Just as Johnny was pouring two glasses of wine gifted to him by a staff member, he heard the beep of the hotel card key and the door open.

“Is that wine?” Mark asked. His voice was just a bit hoarse from their performance.

“It sure is.”

“Dude, that’s so romantic.” Mark laughed a little as he crossed into the room and started ridding himself of his heavy jacket and jeans.

“That’s just me, Markie.”

Mark’s voice came out soft. “I know, hyung.”

Johnny turned to him and saw Mark sitting on the edge of the bed, residual makeup just barely smudged around his eyes, clad in only his thin white undershirt and dark boxer shorts. He looked so fucking perfect Johnny could barely stand it. Smiling, Johnny picked up the two glasses and walked over to the bed. He climbed in and patted the space next to him for Mark to join. Mark moved to join him, but hesitated. He met Johnny’s eyes, took a breath, and then removed his shirt. Johnny could feel his mouth go dry as Mark, now left only in his underwear, joined him in the bed.

“Are we getting winedrunk tonight?” Mark asked.

Johnny handed him a glass and clinked his own against it. “No, we are not getting drunk. Just enjoying a little bit of luxury, and then, you know, talking. Cuddling.” It would be the stay-in date that Johnny almost constantly craved but could never seem to have. That is, until he started dating his bandmate who understood him both as an idol and as a person.

Mark raised an eyebrow like he didn’t believe that those activities were all Johnny had in mind. He turned his attention to the laptop between their legs as Johnny turned it on and started playing some artsy film on Netflix.

The film was a little hard to follow as the exhaustion of performing caught up with him, but Johnny didn’t mind. He was happy to simply _be_. The warmth of Mark’s arm pressed right against his seeped into his skin, and it made Johnny snuggle further down into the thick hotel comforter. He could feel his freshly washed hair getting bunched up as his head sunk into the fluffy pillows. As they watched, Johnny sipped his wine slowly. Since he was limiting himself to one, maybe two glasses tonight, he savored each sip. Mark did not have the same idea, and pretty much chugged it, as if he couldn’t get the pesky glass out of hand soon enough. He drained it to the last drop and set it on the bedside table. Then, Mark paused the film and pressed right up against Johnny’s side so that he was halfway on top of him.

Johnny looked at him, unable to hold back his smile. With his free hand he ran his fingertips down Mark’s side, and it made him shiver. “Markie? What’s up?”

“Hyung,” Mark breathed, his voice low and his face flushed. “Stop paying attention to things that aren’t me. I mean c’mon, I’m shirtless here. And I still got that smokey eye look.”

Johnny laughed. He downed one more sip of wine, then pulled Mark to him. He stroked one hand up and down Mark’s bare spine, feeling goosebumps raise on the skin under his fingertips. Then, when Mark’s eyes started to glaze over, Johnny crushed their mouths together. They both still tasted of the wine, and a few drops that still lingered under Johnny’s tongue spilled into Mark’s mouth and dripped down his chin. Johnny licked it up and then went right back to Mark’s lips. He leaned forward so that Mark could wrap his arms around Johnny’s broad shoulders and press impossibly closer.

“Fuck,” Mark said between two filthy kisses.

Johnny moved his mouth to nibble at Mark’s neck. “I wanna cuddle and kiss you all night, damn.”

“W-wait,” Mark gasped. “Let me shower first.” When Johnny kept kissing his neck, with an errant thumb straying dangerously close to his nipple, Mark laughed and gently took Johnny’s head in his hands to look in his eyes. “Shower, then I promise we can do whatever. I wanna do the things you wanna do too.”

Johnny raised an eyebrow. Did that mean that Mark also wanted to cuddle and talk and make out all night? Johnny really was the luckiest popstar ever.

“Okay, sure. Go ahead.” Johnny leaned in for another peck and then shooed Mark off with a firm tap to his ass.

While Mark showered, Johnny sipped leisurely on the little wine remaining in his glass. Then he fished out a scented candle from his bag, courtesy of Jaehyun, and lit it with matches that he’d purchased from the convenience store along with various junk foods. He took those out, too, though he was still so full from their post-concert meal, so he doubted he’d be eating any. Finally, he repacked his day clothes into his suitcase. Satisfied with that, Johnny settled back into the bed. He waited. He closed his eyes and listened to Mark humming in the shower. Frank Ocean, as usual. Johnny hummed along from the bed. _My fingertips, and my lips, they burn…_

When Mark finally came out of the bathroom, he was wearing the matching blue silk pajama set that Johnny had bought for him. But he hadn’t pulled the drawstrings, so the pants were slung slow and loose around his protruding hips. And he hadn’t bothered to button the shirt at all.

Johnny smiled at him, and Mark did a running jump onto the bed. He landed in a giant pile of pillows and blankets. Johnny laughed out loud and got up onto his knees to keep Mark buried in the sheets while he started smacking his butt with a pillow. Mark cackled as he protested and fought to get free from the tangle of sheets. Eventually, Mark gave up trying to get free and instead wound a fist in Johnny’s shirt and pulled him down on top of him, twisting around so he was on his back and Johnny’s chest was pressed to his. Johnny dove right in; he kissed Mark with smiling lips.

Mark sighed into their kiss, his hands quickly finding their way to Johnny’s ass and squeezing the muscular flesh. The sudden sensation made Johnny open his mouth in a surprised gasp, though it really shouldn’t have been so surprising; Mark had had a _thing_ for Johnny’s ass for a while now. Mark licked into Johnny’s open mouth and suddenly the atmosphere was changed from sweet and playful to heated and charged.

Johnny felt one of Mark’s hands gripping his hip underneath his shirt. The warmth of Mark’s skin, still damp and heated from his shower, seeped straight through Johnny’s skin to his bones.

“Mark, Markie,” Johnny gasped. He broke away for a second to readjust their positions to they were on their sides facing each other. Mark raised an eyebrow, smiling, and dove back in, keeping one hand at nape of Johnny’s neck. When Mark’s tongue slid back in against his own, Johnny couldn’t help but smile yet again. This was exactly how he pictured his night starting.

Mark slung one flexible leg across Johnny’s waist, bringing their bodies even closer. A slow-burning heat warmed the nonexistent space between them. Johnny kept one hand resting on Mark’s neck, his thumb continuously stroking Mark’s jaw, relishing the supple texture of his moisturized skin. Soon, the only sounds in the room were those of the rustling blankets underneath them and the soft, wet sounds of their lips meeting over and over again.

“Johnny,” Mark groaned.

“Mm?” Johnny responded, still kissing him.

Mark pulled away. He looked his boyfriend in the eyes and carefully removed his top.

“Allergic to shirts recently, aren’t you?”

Mark giggled like he always did at everything Johnny said, but it was off somehow. He looked nervous, but excited.

“Hyung, I…” He took a deep breath. “I want to do, um, _that_ , tonight. I’m, uh, ready. Prepared.”

Johnny blinked, momentarily confused. He sat up in the bed. “Mark…”

“We finally have a hotel room to ourselves. And um, I like you a lot. And, like, you like me too. I mean, obviously, that’s why we’re dating. So I wanna do this.”

Johnny bit back a smile. “You can’t even say it.”

Pink bursted across Mark’s face and chest. He whined a little. “Sex…” he murmured.

“What was that, babe?”

“Ugh,” Mark fell against Johnny’s chest and buried his face against his shoulder. “I want to have sex with you tonight,” he said, just a bit louder. “There, are you happy? Jeez, you’d think your _thing_ for embarrassing me would take a rest when I’m being so damn vulnerable.”

Johnny turned his head so he could press his nose to Mark’s hair. “You’re something else.” He sighed and then pushed against Mark’s shoulders to create distance between their bodies so he could look directly at Mark’s eyes.

“I appreciate you being vulnerable. And I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have teased you. I won’t do it again, not at a time like this. But I’m going to have to turn you down tonight, babe.”

“But I brought everything we would need. Lube, condoms, the works…oh, and uh,” Mark swallows. “I prepared myself. In the shower, I mean. Like, I’m ready to go, man.”

“Oh, wow. You really went to all that trouble huh? That’s nice, Markie, but I’m simply not ready to sleep with you, okay?”

“Oh, um. Okay.”

“Yeah.”

There was an awkward silence. Mark released a halfhearted, bashful chuckle and then climbed off Johnny’s lap. He found his shirt and buttoned it up. Johnny immediately missed the warmth of his weight on him.

“So, cuddling?” Mark asked. His voice cracked.

Johnny went to him immediately. “I’m sorry. Are you sad?”

“No,” he said, his voice trembling. “Um, just embarrassed I think. Feels weird to be rejected by my own boyfriend.”

“Mark,” Johnny said, “I’m not rejecting you. Not forever. Just…I wanna take things slower with you, you know?”

“I know. That’s cool. I get it. Well, not really, I guess, seeing as we were definitely _not_ on the same wavelength tonight, but I’m fine.”

Johnny gazed at him for a few moments. He couldn’t deny that the atmosphere had turned awkward. Mark stood there, playing with the hem of his shirt, as if he were a game character waiting for a command. He was clearly hurt, feeling rejected, and then feeling guilty that he was feeling that way. Johnny didn’t know what to do. On the one hand, Johnny knew there was absolutely nothing wrong with his not being ready. On the other hand, he knew Mark would overthink it, would nitpick at himself and his actions until he felt nauseous.

“Hey, Mark. Look at me.”

It took a few seconds, but Mark lifted his head. He gazed up at Johnny from under his eyelashes.

“I want you. You know that, right?”

“Y-yeah.”

“And just because I don’t want to have sex right now, it doesn’t mean I feel negatively about you in any way.”

“I know.”

“Okay. Do you wanna discuss it more, or…?”

“Um. I don’t know. I guess not?”

“You don’t sound sure.”

Mark took a deep breath. “Well, I guess I just wanna know why? Not that you have to explain yourself or anything. Even if you said ‘just because’ that’s a valid reason too.”

“Oh,” Johnny said. He was taken by surprise. Mark usually wasn’t confrontational, but Johnny had been encouraging him to be more direct with him. To say what he wanted to say and ask what he wanted to ask. “Well, uh, I guess I want to get to know you better before we go there. And I know we already know each other really, really well, but…”

“But?”

Johnny paused before he continued. He was scared that if he spoke the truth, it would scare Mark off. But he steeled himself and said it anyways. “I feel like there’s some hard questions we haven’t talked about. And we don’t have to tackle them all at once, but I’d want to get into some of those first. I just…” He trailed off and ran a hand through his hair before continuing. “I think where I am right now, I want to know that my partner is pretty seriously committed to me.”

“Oh,” Mark breathed. “Yeah. I hear that. Um, that’s some serious stuff. You’re right. If that’s what you need, then we should talk about that.”

Johnny smiled. “I’m really glad to hear you say that. A lot of people would just bolt out the door as soon as I said the word ‘commitment’.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Mark Lee.” Johnny breathed his name out, like it was sacred. He gathered Mark in his arms and stared down into his eyes. “Thank you.”

“John Suh. It’s no biggie.”

Johnny felt the corners of his mouth turn up in a smile. He breathed in the scent of Mark’s hair and an unknown tension in his heart dissipated. Mark was taking all his doubts away, one by one. The prospect of this conversation had scared him, and it wasn’t over by a long shot, but they were off to a better start than Johnny could have ever hoped for. Mark wasn’t running from this. He was going to face this head-on, together, with Johnny. And that knowledge made Johnny feel secure for the first time in years.

-

In the weeks that followed, Johnny and Mark went on several dates. They went to a lot of restaurants to try out new foods. When they finally found a place that served good poutine, Mark’s eyes lit up and he insisted on feeding forkfuls of the stuff to Johnny. Johnny’s eyes glinted with amusement as he watched Mark get excited over such a simple joy. He understood; he felt the same way when they found a place that had Indian food as good as some of the restaurants back in Chicago.

Despite the novelty of food that reminded them of home, their favorite places remained the street food carts and smaller, family-owned restaurants in and around the night markets. But because of privacy concerns, it wasn’t always possible to go to those. When that got them feeling down, Johnny would arrange for them to go to high-end places that were so fancy they had a dress code. Mark would balk at the idea until Johnny reminded him that they had tailor-made tuxedoes and it would be a shame to not use them once in a while. Johnny loved the feeling of putting on his best suit, of seeing Mark in his, and taking him by the arm to a place where they would dine on the finest, richest foods the city had to offer. Mark would exclaim at each and every one, and then he’d drink too much champagne. But Johnny didn’t mind that. Mark was a clingy drunk, and Johnny loved the way he looked at him, cheek against Johnny’s shoulder, eyes glassy and crinkled at the corners from smiling.

Besides eating, a lot of their dates consisted of trying each other’s hobbies. Mark was over the moon when Johnny tagged a long with him and Jaehyun to play basketball. And Johnny loved it when Mark would come to the gym with him or go shopping at fashion boutiques for new clothes. Mark’s appreciative glances and comments were more than an ego boost for Johnny; they made him feel special and loved.

At first, it was Johnny who always picked the date and time and place, who organized the logistics of checking their schedules, booking a manager and a van, and researching what locations could offer them the most privacy. The effort didn’t go unnoticed by Mark. Eventually, Mark started pitching in to organize their time together, too. Once he started, he realized just how much work it was. On the first date entirely set up by him, which took place at a lovely tea shop decorated in every corner with flowers, he told Johnny as much.

“I can’t believe you just kept doing all the work of setting up our dates without complaining. You’re an angel, really,” Mark said. He traced the rim of his teacup with a finger. “I appreciate you.”

Johnny reached across the wooden table and interlaced his fingers with Mark’s. “I didn’t mind that much. I like doing this for you and for us. But I must say,” Johnny looked around and took in the scene. Save for a few wait staff and one other couple, the place was empty. “You make a much better planner than me. This place is gorgeous. And honestly, it does feel nice to have a partner who recognizes the effort and puts it in in equal measure. Can’t say I’ve experienced that before.”

At that, Mark glanced around to make sure no one was looking at them. Then, he lifted Johnny’s hand and kissed it. Johnny’s eyes widened with surprise. Mark set their joined hands back down on the table and continued to stroke his thumb across Johnny’s knuckles. “Hyung, you said you wanted to talk about some things, rights? ‘Hard questions’ is how I remember you phrasing it.”

“Yeah,” Johnny said, a little breathless. He cleared his throat. “Yeah. Let’s get into that.”

They made their way through a second pot of tea as they talked. They briefly discussed past relationships, of which Mark had none, unless one counted that time in elementary school that he and a classmate kissed each other on the cheek and then declared they would get married one day. Johnny’s romantic history was more involved. Johnny didn’t go into unnecessary detail, but he answered Mark’s questions honestly.

Family also came up. It was a painful subject on many layers; distance and separation from a young age, feelings of guilt and pressure and duty to honor the sacrifices their parents had made when they migrated; the fact that neither of them knew how their parents would react to a same-sex relationship. The fact that they had to wonder at all.

“Something I really need to talk to you about is kind of the big elephant in the room,” Johnny said. The pot of tea between them was empty, and it had grown dark outside. “I want something strong enough that could endure the worst case scenario, which would be us being found out. Not that I don’t want to tell the world how I feel about you, because I do.” Johnny searched Mark’s face for any reaction, but his expression was uncharacteristically hard to read. “It’s just…I know this job won’t last forever. I won’t be an idol for my whole life. So I want to know that my relationship is strong enough to endure a career change, whether that change comes by choice or by force.”

It was a huge hypothetical. If they did everything right, their relationship was unlikely to ever be exposed. But in this industry, you never really knew who was willing to sell a secret for money or for a petty sense of power.

“I hear you, Johnny. I do,” Mark said. Johnny watched him take a few deep breaths. “With some of the other hypothetical scenarios we talked about, we mutually agreed that it would be a ‘cross that bridge when we get there’ kind of situation, like if someone in management told us to end things. But this…you’re right. It’s something to think about.”

Johnny waited as Mark seemed to carefully formulate what he was going to say next. He reminded himself to breathe. The din of the teashop grew muted as he focused in on Mark’s next words.

“I want you to know I would never leave you over some invasive tabloid article, something you couldn’t control. I would be by your side as we dealt with the fallout together.”

And just like that, Johnny felt himself grow brighter from within. His body released the tension it had been holding in his legs, his back, his jaw. The sounds of the people around him rushed back into his ears. He smiled, leaned forward, and rested his chin in his palm, elbow on the table.

“That’s exactly what I needed to hear.”

Mark nodded. “I may have met you through this job, through this life. But I want you. I know myself well enough to say that I’ll always want you, regardless of where life takes you or me.”

Johnny bit his lip.

“I’m not so shortsighted to think that this setup will last forever. I know our contracts will expire one day. I know we might renew, we might not. It’ll depend on who we are a few years down the road, what we want. If you’re saying you want a relationship that will outlast this job, then I’m your guy.”

Shakily, Johnny exhaled. “You are. You are my guy. God,” Johnny chuckled and looked off to the side. He allowed himself a second to marvel in the moment. Everything was falling into place. This could work. Mark had exhibited maturity that Johnny had known Mark possessed for a while now, but could still take him by surprise sometimes. When Johnny returned his gaze to his boyfriend’s face, Mark’s eyes were soft, understanding. “I wish we weren’t in public right now because I’d really like to kiss you.”

Mark smiled delicately. Under the table, he hooked his ankles around one of Johnny’s. For a moment, everything felt normal. They were just two guys on a date, talking about their future, playing footsie under their café table. “I’m glad we talked about this. Because I’m serious about you. I’m all in.”

Heat coursed through Johnny’s body. “Hey Mark?”

“Yeah?”

“Let’s get out of here.”

Mark grinned. “Let’s.”

-

At the dorms, everyone was either out or asleep in their rooms, dead to the world. Johnny was pulled by Mark towards his room, giggling as they bumped into pieces of furniture while trying to be quiet. As soon as they were inside the room, Mark crowded Johnny back up against his door and turned the lock. Johnny wrapped his arms around Mark’s waist and gathered him close. For a second, Mark just leaned against his body. It felt unbelievably good, just to be pressed together like that.

“Hey,” Johnny said.

“Hey.”

“I had fun tonight.”

Mark chuckled at the line. Probably because it sounded like something out of an American teen drama. He tilted his head up towards Johnny and put on his best girl-in-a-teen-drama voice. “Me too, John. Um, see you at school?”

Johnny rolled his eyes but then dropped his voice to a gruff, exaggerated imitation of an actor. “Uh, yeah. Sounds good. ‘Kay, night.”

Mark laughed as he pushed up onto his toes to kiss Johnny’s smiling mouth. Johnny’s body responded by gathering Mark closer to him, crushing him against his chest. The feeling of Mark’s smaller frame against his own made Johnny hum with satisfaction. This felt so right.

Mark squeaked as Johnny’s arms bulged with the effort of holding him so tightly. “Oh,” he gasped. When his eyes met Johnny’s this time, they were dark.

“You like that? When I squeeze you tight?”

“Yes. More, please.”

“Since you asked so nicely,” Johnny said, then proceeded to hug Mark so tightly he was sure they’d be glued together. He found he didn’t mind the idea of that one bit. “You’re stuck with me,” he whispered into Mark’s ear.

Mark whimpered into Johnny’s shoulder. “Fine with me. Not like I’ve ever wanted anyone else.”

At that, Johnny picked Mark up off the ground. Mark yelped in surprise and tried to wrap his legs around Johnny’s waist, but before he could, Johnny dropped him on the bed none too gently. He crawled over to him. For a second, they took one another in. It felt like standing at the edge of a cliff, with all the anticipation and all the exhilaration. The promise of a rush like no other.

Finally, Mark locked his arms around Johnny’s neck and, just like taking the jump, Johnny dove in to kiss him. He caught Mark’s lips between his own, brushing against them again and again. Mark’s breathing grew steadily louder, and on each of his exhales Johnny could make out the scent of jasmine. It was intoxicating.

“I’ve wanted this for ages. Ages…” Mark trailed off as Johnny’s lips moved to Mark’s neck. He kissed all along the underside of Mark’s jawline, down the column of his throat, until he was at the collar of Mark’s sweater. After locking eyes with Mark to make sure it was okay, Johnny tugged the sweater off his body and resumed trailing his kisses across Mark’s collarbones. They were sharp and stood out against his skin. There was already a faint sheen of sweat on them, and Johnny licked it up to the soundtrack of Mark’s muted whines.

Eventually, Johnny fell onto his side and Mark adjusted himself to face him. When their eyes met, Johnny smiled. For a moment they just looked. “You have the prettiest eyes, you know that?” Johnny asked. Mark opened his mouth, as if to respond, but no sound came out. Fondness expanded in Johnny’s heart, and he surged forward.

Their kisses were sweet again—until they weren’t. Mark hiked a leg up over Johnny’s waist and rolled his hips ever so slightly. It made Johnny groan into Mark’s mouth, and then their tongues were sliding together once more in a hot, wet mess. The affection remained, a constant in their accelerating desire. Next to it, desperation grew. Desperation to be closer and closer still. To communicate the desire that was pent-up between them. It drove Johnny to meet Mark’s hips where they stuttered against his with smoother, undulating movements.

“Johnny,” Mark whimpered. “Can’t believe you’re real. Imagined this so many times.”

“I’ll try to live up to your fantasies,” Johnny whispered against Mark’s skin. At that, he saw Mark’s eyes roll back in his head. He reached down between their bodies and ran his fingers across the skin of Mark’s stomach. He could feel the way each stroke of his touch made the muscles under Mark’s skin twitch. It felt heady, the effect he had on this boy.

“J-Johnny. I didn’t prepare…the way I did last time.”

Johnny was confused for a brief moment before remembered that night in the hotel. Mark had wanted to have sex with Johnny and Johnny had rejected him. Probably for a good reason, but right now, with this perfect boy underneath him, Johnny could not fathom why he waited so long. But it didn’t matter—he had Mark now. And there was a whole world of things he wanted to try with him. “That’s okay. We can do other things,” he murmured.

“Other things?” Mark echoed. His face was flushed and his breathing was already shallow. Johnny got back up on his knees and took in the sight before him. Mark looked so fucking good. Honestly, it was a miracle Johnny had not torn the rest of Mark’s clothes off with his bare hands already.

“ _Hyung_ ,” Mark whined, switching to Korean. Johnny froze in place. “ _Hyung, stop looking at me like that. I can’t take it…I feel so warm.”_ Mark trailed off and turned his head to the side, as if unable to bear the weight of Johnny’s gaze. And Johnny was definitely looking.

“Holy shit, _what kind of porn have you been watching?_ ” Johnny asked. Once he regained his composure, he took off his shirt. That made Mark look back at him.

“ _It’s not that. You just make me feel like I’m melting.”_

Johnny lowered his body back down on top of Mark’s. He moved gently, letting their skin meet. Under him, Mark gasped. Johnny made sure to drink in every one of Mark’s aroused expressions, with the awareness that each one was the first of its kind, because he was Mark’s first real partner. When their nipples brushed, Mark made a choking sound. Johnny wasn’t unaffected either; he grinded his teeth together in an effort to keep silent.

“No,” Mark said, still sounding like he was having trouble breathing. He stroked a hand across Johnny’s tensed jaw. “Wanna hear you too. _Please, hyung_.”

“Fuck,” Johnny murmured. “Who taught you to talk like that?”

“N-no one,” Mark gasped, rolling his hips up to meet Johnny’s. He was hard. “It’s just how I feel.”

Johnny’s skin was on fire. “Can I touch you?” he asked.

“Please.”

Johnny wasted no time in undoing the button and zipper on Mark’s black skinnies and pulling them down his legs. He loved these jeans on Mark so much that it was almost a shame to take them off. It wasn’t easy to do, as they were tight, which is probably why his ass always looked so good in them. But the sight that he was met with when he completed the task was worth it—Mark, hard in his boxer briefs, with a patch of wetness visible where it darkened the grey fabric.

Johnny must have stared too long because Mark made an embarrassed sound and murmured something that sounded vaguely like “get on with it.”

“Are you…nervous?” Johnny asked.

“Duh.”

“But you were so confident last time.”

“It’s different now that it’s actually happening, okay?” Mark huffed.

“Baby,” Johnny said, and Mark’s entire body flushed bright red. “There’s nothing to be nervous about.” Johnny stood up and undid the zipper on his own jeans. He pulled them off, dropped them on the floor next to Mark, then got back on top of him, covering his body. He pushed his clothed cock down onto Mark’s and they both groaned, Mark decidedly louder. “Doesn’t it feel good? Just feel. Don’t worry about whatever else.”

“It’s so— _ahh_ —it’s so good, hyung.”

Johnny kissed Mark’s jaw as they continued to feel each other and find a rhythm. Mark’s eyes glazed over as he gave into act of rolling his crotch up to meet Johnny’s, brushing their cocks together, chasing that pleasure. It was so much better now with their jeans off, but Johnny wanted to make it better still. He moved slightly to Mark’s side so he could trail a hand down Mark’s torso and brush his fingers over Mark’s cock.

“Oh my god,” Mark whimpered. “I’m going to be too loud. I’m going to wake everyone up.”

“Shh, shh, it’s okay, you won’t.”

“No, hyung, I really will, I swear I’m not going to be able to be quiet.”

“So…do you want to stop?” Johnny asked, puzzled.

“No, just…” Mark trailed off, the glazed look leaving his eyes. He looked toward Johnny, saw his free hand and his eyes grew bright in the way that Johnny knew meant he had an idea. He grabbed Johnny’s hand and, while holding Johnny’s gaze, sucked two of Johnny’s fingers into his mouth.

Johnny’s heart thudded. No, it palpitated. Was he having a heart attack? He forgot to breathe as Mark swirled his tongue around Johnny’s fingers, pushing it in between them, covering them with his spit. He didn’t even give Johnny time to process it, because he was back to rolling his hips up to meet Johnny’s other hand, which was now squeezing Mark’s cock tightly.

In a rush, Johnny regained his wits and released his vicelike grip on Mark’s cock. But Mark wasn’t having it. He whined around Johnny’s fingers, his hand squeezing Johnny’s wrist, and used his free hand to push Johnny’s toward the waistband of his underwear. Johnny got the message loud and clear. He slung one leg across both of Mark’s to function as a weight to keep Mark in place and then shoved a hand down under Mark’s briefs. Inside, Mark’s cock was hot and hard and leaking precum. Johnny watched Mark’s eyes roll back in his head and then close as Johnny thumbed the wetness gathered at the head of Mark’s cock and spread it around.

“That feel good?”

Mark could only nod his head.

Johnny quickly picked up the pace. He wanted to see Mark’s face when he came. Wanted to be the reason Mark would gasp with pleasure. He continued to spread Mark’s precum around—there was so much more of it now.

“I should get lube,” Johnny said.

“No,” Mark said around Johnny’s fingers, his eyes suddenly wide open. He pulled Johnny’s fingers out briefly. “I don’t use lube when I jerk off. I—I like the friction.”

“Seriously? You sure you’re not just saying that so I don’t stop?”

“I imagined your big hand, rough from all the lifting you do at the gym, stroking me, _hnn_ —” Mark couldn’t continue, not when Johnny used said big hand to stroke up and down Mark’s cock. He added a twisting motion on the movement, finishing off with his thumb and index finger brushing up to the top of the head.

“Just like that, please hyung, just a little more, I’m gonna—gonna cum.”

“Do it, baby,” Johnny said. He didn’t recognize his own voice. It sounded far away, like he was hearing it from outside his own body. He didn’t even blink as he trained his gaze on Mark’s face, the way he couldn’t keep his mouth closed around Johnny’s fingers anymore, the way he was gasping with every stroke of Johnny’s hand up and down Mark’s hard cock.

“ _Ah, hyung, Johnny hyung.”_

“Shh,” Johnny said, though he was sure Mark couldn’t hear him, lost to the pleasure of it all. Though his wrist was tiring, Johnny ignored it in favor of quickening his strokes. He pressed his own cock, still covered with his underwear, to Mark’s side, letting Mark feel how hard Johnny was. Mark moaned at the feeling, at the overwhelming onslaught of sensation as Johnny tightened his grip by another degree and ran his thumb across the head with pressure at the crest of each stroke.

Then, with hardly any warning, Mark was arching off the bed, hips launching up to meet Johnny’s final strokes. His mouth fell open in a silent scream as he came hard, harder than Johnny imagined a handjob without any lube could allow for. Ropes of cum painted the inside of Mark’s underwear, which had never fully come off, and soaked Johnny’s hand as it gently worked Mark through the waves of his orgasm. Johnny watched Mark’s silent scream soon became ragged gasps as he neared the end of his climax and he regained his breath. He slowed down his strokes gradually, his hand covered in Mark’s cum, making sure he got every last drop of it out of Mark’s spent cock. Only when Mark began shaking with the telltale signs of overstimulation did Johnny finally pull his hand out.

As Mark regained his breath Johnny quickly wiped his hand off with a tissue, then finally slid Mark’s underwear off him and cleaned him up too. As soon as that was done he got them under the covers and cuddled Mark close to him. He could feel Mark’s elevated heartrate thudding against his chest.

“That was…” Mark began. He looked dumbfounded, at a loss for words.

Johnny thought there was no need for words right now. He laid a hand on Mark’s jaw, turning Mark’s face toward himself, and smiled at him fondly. Mark gulped audibly as he met Johnny’s eyes. They moved toward each other at the same time, Mark’s arms coming up to twine around Johnny’s neck, and they kissed for the millionth time that night. To Johnny, it still felt brand new.

“Hyung, you didn’t...”

Johnny snorted into the kiss. “Didn’t what, Markie? Say it. Weren’t you were just begging me to make you do it?”

“Oh my god,” Mark said in his most affronted-religious-sensibilities tone.

“It’s fine, baby. I mean, I am super hard but you’re probably exhausted from that. Don’t worry about it.”

“Hmm,” Mark hummed against Johnny’s lips. The vibration from the sound make Johnny shudder with delight. “Wish I could say I wasn’t tired, and like, offer to finish you off, but you’re right, you wiped me out. Big, calloused hand and all.”

God, Mark sounded so hot after coming. His voice had gone all raspy, and his eyes had this lazy look in them that made Johnny want to pepper his face with kisses. “G-glad I could make that fantasy of yours come true,” he choked out.

“You can make one more come true.” Mark said. He removed the covers from Johnny’s top half, exposing his clothed cock, rock hard and straining in his underwear.

Johnny looked at him with a puzzled expression.

“Let me watch you jerk off.”

The words felt like a sucker punch to Johnny’s gut. God, Mark was going to kill him. Johnny had had no idea what he was signing up for when he first kissed him. He wasn’t even going to make it out of this bedroom alive. “Jesus, Mark, how many fantasies do you have of me?”

“So so many, hyung. I’ll tell you them all over time…” Mark pulled back and looked down at Johnny’s erection pointedly. “I wanna watch. Please?”

“Fuck,” Johnny said, and flopped onto his back. “Look at me.”

Mark turned onto his side and watched with rapt attention as Johnny peeled his underwear off. A string of precum stretched between the fabric and the tip of Johnny’s cock for a second until Johnny got the underwear far enough down his thighs that it broke. He kicked it all the way off and then fixed his eyes on Mark’s face as he wrapped his hand around himself. Johnny’s wrist was still a bit tired, but the way Mark was looking at him, eyes dark, body language relaxed and languid and so totally _fucked out_ because of Johnny spurred him on.

“T-talk to me, Mark. Tell me something else you imagined.”

Mark stroked his hand across Johnny’s chest. It felt so good when Mark _squeezed_ his right pec, like getting a massage in a place that he never thought needed one.

“T-thought about you holding me, my back to your chest as you jerk me off, your, uh, your cock against my ass.” Mark sounded hesitant, shy, like it was embarrassing him to talk about this stuff. “We come like that, and, god, in my head it’s so, so hot.”

Johnny gasped. He planted his feet on the bed so he could push up into his fist better.

That seemed to decrease Mark’s embarrassment. He grew more confident with his next little spiel. “Thought about laying on top of you, your long, long arms reaching down past my back to touch my hole, getting it wet, fingering me open.”

And now Johnny was the one whining and whimpering. “Please, Mark, oh _god_.” Mark snuggled closer to Johnny, his chest pressed against Johnny’s arm. He continued to stroke Johnny’s chest, his stomach, even reaching down to his thighs.

“Thought about laying face down in the bed, waiting for you to put your cock in me, but you always tease me hyung, don’t you? You can be so mean sometimes,” Mark said, and it was like Johnny could _hear_ the sweet little pout in his voice. “You only give me the tip first, wait till I’m begging for it, just absolutely wailing for your cock, then you shove the whole damn thing in me and I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach with how fast the air leaves me.”

“Oh fuck oh _fuck_.”

“Do you want that too, Johnny? Tell me you want it too, please.”

“W-want it Mark, oh—”

“I’ve thought about you fucking me without a condom, because we’re so damn _committed_ to each other. The way you want us to be. The way that I never thought of anyone else but you. Call me corny but that gets me off.”

Apparently, it got Johnny off too. He felt his orgasm rising within him, could feel the way it made his toes curl into the mattress. The muscles of his thighs, his ass, his abs all tightened. He stroked himself one more time and then came like he had never come before. His orgasm was so intense that he worried _he_ might be the one that woke their bandmates with how loud he moaned. He rode the crest of his climax with undulations of his hips as ropes of cum landed everywhere from his stomach to his neck, Mark watching the entire time.

“Fuck, fuck that was so hot,” Mark groaned. “God, how are you so fucking hot?” He surged forward and kissed Johnny, who was still gasping for breath. He let Mark do as he pleased, shuddering at the way Mark languidly licked into his mouth, like he was planning on never, ever leaving Johnny’s mouth.

As Johnny came down from his orgasm, he fumbled for the tissues. He knocked some stuff over in the process, but couldn’t be bothered to check what. Johnny cleaned his cum off himself, as well as a bit off of Mark’s chest that had gotten there when Mark had leaned in to kiss him.

Finally, when they were as clean as tissues could make them, Johnny collapsed into bed next to Mark, who looked like he was already a quarter of the way to sleep.

“Johnny hyung,” Mark murmured sweetly, cuddling into Johnny’s embrace.

“Hm?”

“Nothing, just wanted to say your name.”

“Mark.”

“Hm?”

Johnny chuckled. “Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I love you.”

Johnny felt Mark’s entire body shudder as he said those words. Mark returned the sentiment in the form of a murmur said against the skin of Johnny’s neck, but it was so quiet that Johnny felt it more than he heard it. It didn’t matter. He knew how Mark felt. He felt sure of it, secure in the knowledge that Mark loved him. And Johnny knew he would be hearing it very often from now on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you once again ♥
> 
> -sof


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